


You Are My Fate

by Kateera



Category: ER (TV 1994)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Character Growth, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Luby, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-19
Updated: 2018-12-01
Packaged: 2019-08-04 05:58:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 22,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16341107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kateera/pseuds/Kateera
Summary: I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)Coming back from the Congo, Luka has a new lease on life, a new perspective on sacrifice, and a new mission. (He could warn her, but it's so much more fun to surprise her...)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Beta'd by my friend [JenTerp4](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tsuuriki/pseuds/JenTerp4)
> 
> Check me out on [tumblr](http://kateera.tumblr.com/) or [twitter](https://twitter.com/kateera_)

His mind drifts in the haze of fever, flashing with the scenes of jungle and the sound of buzzing flies. He doesn’t know when he sleeps or when he hallucinates, whether he hears the insects or the plane’s engines.

There is someone squeezing his hand and he tries to squeeze back but he’s not sure he succeeds. He thinks his fingers twitch.

_He hears someone calling his name but the trees are blocking his way. They grab for his arms and scrape at his skin._  
_“Hello?”_  
_“Luka!”_  
_“Hello?”_  
_He starts running, branches and leaves slapping at his face._  
_“Luka!”_  
_He knows that voice._  
_“Abby! Where are you?”_  
_Smoke fills the air, scorching his lungs while sirens blare around him. He stumbles over rubble, his eyes stinging from the acrid billows of smoke and ash._  
_“Abby!”_

His eyes flutter open and he looks around at the metal walls of the plane. The engine drones in his ear. He’s not in the jungle or on the streets of a bombed out city.

“Shh, it’s alright.”

Looking around, Luka sees Gillian sitting next to him and swallows hard, forcing his vocal chords to work. “Gillian. What?” It’s all he can manage before a chill wracks through his body, turning his insides to ice while his skin burns.

“We’re almost there,” she says, brushing a lock of sweat-drenched hair away from his face.

He nods and closes his eyes.

_He smells the smoke and feels the heat of the fires._  
_“Abby,” he whispers. “Don’t go in there.”_

“Shh, just relax.”

He can still feel the heat but it’s far away and the hand on his forehead soothes away the panic. His bed jostles as the plane lands and Luka groans. Aching down to his core and drenched in sweat, he feels as if his whole body is screaming.

“We’ve landed,” Gillian says, her smile soft as he shifts on the gurney. “Just a few more miles and then you can rest for a while.”

“Where?”

“Chicago.” Her voice changes but he can’t read her tone.

With his fever burning away his fluids, his throat feels like he’s been swallowing sand. The colder air hits as they move him towards the ambulance and he opens his eyes to the cloudy sky. Luka looks at the paramedic and smiles at the familiar face.

“Hey,” he says with a nod. “Nice day, huh?”

“Sure thing,” Zadros says, patting him on the shoulder as he’s loaded into the back. “You just enjoy the ride.”

Luka nods and leans over, trying to wipe sweat from his eyes. Gillian mops his forehead with a clean strip of gauze and he moans at the contact, even her light touch too much to handle.

Hearing the engine of the ambulance and the rush of traffic, Luka falls back into unconsciousness.

_Heat radiates from fires burning all around him and he can hear a child crying. His eyes feel itchy and his throat burns but he pushes through the trees and over crumbling bricks._  
_“Help, help, please!”_  
_He runs toward the voice but it’s drowned out by the crash of burning branches and falling glass._  
_“I’m coming!” He calls out, struggling through the debris._  
_He gets a glimpse of Abby, standing in baby blue scrubs and holding a bundle in her arms._  
_“Abby!”_  
_He has to keep moving. She needs his help. He can see her reaching for him._  
_A large tree/building falls in front of him and Abby disappears in a rush of fire._

The sudden screech of tires wakes him up and Zadros is shouting out his window to someone in the crosswalk. He rolls his head to the side to see Gillian sitting with her head down and her hands clasped in front of her.

“Are you praying?” He asks, his voice a little more than a whisper.

Raising her head, she gives him a small smile, tears in her eyes. “No, I’m not praying. I’m thinking.”

“About what?” He tries for charming but there’s something about being strapped to a gurney with blood and grime staining your clothes that detracts from the effect.

“If I’m going to go home for a bit or go right back to the Congo.” She shrugs her shoulders.

He blinks and tries to reach a hand out to her. Seeing him move, Gillian shuffles close and leans in to kiss his cheek while he drags his pale fingers over her arm.

“It’s alright,” she says, stroking a hand through his hair. “I’m going to be okay.”

“I don’t understand.” He understands that she’s leaving and this is goodbye, but he doesn’t know why.

“I’ll make sure you’re settled,” she says with a smile. “Make sure there’s someone to, I don’t know, make sure you get some rest.”

There’s a note in her voice and Luka closes his eyes. “Why?”

Her small laugh makes him open his eyes slightly to look at her. She’s sitting with his bag on her lap, a letter in her hands. It’s Carter’s letter to Abby and something twisting inside of him hates that she’s touching it.

“You’ve been talking in your sleep,” she says at last. “At first, I didn’t know what you were saying but I finally recognized a name.” She holds up the envelope to show him. “She’s here, isn’t she?”

He nods. He doesn't know what else to do. The fact that in just a few short minutes, he could see Abby again is enough to push him further away from sleep and he thinks that this is what Gillian is talking about. His mind flashes back to those moments on his knees in the dust where the world stopped and he truly thought he would die.

He thought of Danjella and Jasna and Marco, of seeing them again and holding his children and it was a happy thought even as the sun beat down and he could hear the footsteps of soldiers closing in around him. His only pang of regret, at that moment, was that Abby would cry and he hated to see her cry.

“She’s not, she, we broke up.” He hates stumbling over his words, the act made worse by the searing pain in his throat. “We’re just friends.”

Gillian doesn’t stop smiling even if he can tell that it’s forced. “I’m sure she’ll take good care of you then.” She tucks the letter into the bag on her lap. “I won’t have to worry.”

He wants to say more, something to tell her what she means to him, but the ambulance stops and the engine stops and the moment passes. Zadros pops open the back and Luka stares out at the doors of County’s emergency entrance.

“Ready to be home, big guy?” Zadros pats his shoulder and Gillian climbs out of the ambulance to help unload his gurney.

There is a moment of embarrassment that this is how he returns to Chicago, on a gurney and burning from the inside out with a deadly parasite. It passes as soon as the doors open and he sees Frank standing at the desk, the swirl of white coats and pastel scrubs, and the bright fluorescent lights overhead.

As frustrating and heartbreaking as this place is, it’s home. He searches the faces as he’s rolled by, looking for Abby while other hospital personnel come up to greet him and welcome him home. Gillian steps up to the gurney and provides a little space from the well-meaning crowd.

“She’ll be here,” Gillian says, guiding the rolling bed into the elevator.

“I’m sorry,” he says, dragging his fingers across her arm.

He knows it's not enough, not after everything she went through to get him back, but it’s all he has to give and he keeps catching a glimpse of pastel blue scrubs.

“You almost died, Luka,” she says in a whisper, giving him the same breathtaking smile as when she first invited him back to her room. “It’s enough for me that you’re alive.”

She places a kiss on his forehead and backs out of the elevator, waving to him as the doors close. It’s the first time she’s left him alone since they found him in that fly infested room and the distance feels strange. Looking up at the elevator wall, watching the numbers climb, the last thought through his mind is -

_Where’s Abby?_

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Abby spends all day trying to reach Luka upstairs and trying to ignore the break-up letter from Carter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta'd by [JenTerp4](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tsuuriki/pseuds/JenTerp4) who is also a voice of support (THANK YOU)
> 
> Check me out on [tumblr](http://kateera.tumblr.com/) or [twitter](https://twitter.com/kateera_)

Waiting for Luka to get to County is like watching paint dry while being hit repeatedly in the head with a tennis ball. Abby keeps catching herself with her eyes on the clock, counting the seconds as they pass.

Having answered the paramedic call saying that they were on the way, she knows it’s Luka and a woman and no Carter and she’s not sure how to deal with the fact that he didn’t come back.

She handles it like most things, with stolen smoke breaks and distracting patients and achieving a level of sarcasm previously thought impossible.

She’s yelling at Yosh when Frank grabs her attention and she turns in time to see Luka being brought into the emergency room.

Zadros rolls Luka through the hall and her breath catches as she stares. He doesn’t look awful, a feat that she’s long since decided was virtually impossible (trust Luka to get an infectious parasite and still look like he might be on the way to a modeling gig) but he does look tired and weak and thinner than she’s ever seen him. People are crowding around him and there's a sick feeling in her stomach as the doors close and there's no Carter, just Luka and a tall woman she doesn't know being led through the hospital.

“How ya doing, Luka?”

“Welcome back, man.”

She tries to reach him, she does, but as a patient starts thrashing, a woman goes into labor, and a new resident needs help, she barely has time to call his name before he disappears into the elevator. The woman stays in the hall, watching the doors close.

The cage is waiting and she knows she has to get back but the allure of finding out how Luka is, where Carter is, is too much for her to pass up.

Walking over to the woman, Abby crosses her arms over her chest. “Are you alright?”

The woman turns and wipes a few tears away. “Oh, yeah. I’m fine. Thanks.”

Her slight accent is charming and she looks beautiful even when she’s crying and Abby wants to hate her immediately but there are more important things going on. “He’s going to be okay, right?”

“Luka?” The woman sniffs and rubs at her face. “Yeah, he’ll be okay. His fever’s still spiking but he’s lucid when he’s awake.”

“Good, good.” Abby doesn’t really know what else to say. “Um, did you need anything?”

“No, I’m on my way to find a hotel.” The woman shakes her head and sighs and then pulls something out of her purse. “Do you know where I could leave this? It’s a letter for an Abby Lockhart.”

Abby’s heart skips a beat. “Um, right here. I’m Abby.”

At that, the woman stops looking at the letter and she jerks her head up to look Abby in the eye. There’s a long pause before she takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “So, you’re Abby then.”

“Last time I checked.” Abby takes a step back. “And you are?”

“I’m Gillian. I worked with Luka and John in the Congo.” Gillian is still looking at her strangely and Abby feels like she might be failing a test she didn’t know she was taking. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“Some of it good, I hope,” Abby says, not sure where this is leading. She can hear Frank calling her from the desk.

“I thought you’d be taller,” Gillian says, a smile spreading across her face as she hands over the letter. “It’s from John.”

“Carter?” She takes the letter and looks down at it, unsure whether to rip it open right now or wait until she’s alone.

Gillian takes a step away as if to leave but then turns back around and pats Abby on the shoulder. “John wasn’t the only one who talked about you. Take care of him will you?”

Looking up from the letter, Abby wrinkles her brow. “What?”

“Luka, take care of him, alright?” Gillian gives her a sad smile. “He thinks he’s tougher than he is.”

Abby stares at her as she walks away and then back at the letter and finally at the elevator. She wants to run up to see him.

“Abby!” Frank’s voice echoes over the PA system and she stuffs the letter into her pocket, heading for her shift in the triage cage.

Her hand feels numb from the stapler and she’s ready to run screaming from the building if one more person interrupts her when she tries to go upstairs. Between the slew of patients, the nurses complaining about shifts, and the new residents milling around like they don’t know what they’re doing, she’s got a headache brewing and an urge to throw things.

Grabbing the phone, she dials the number for Five West and watches the waiting room as it rings. “Hey, hi, I’m calling to check on a patient, last name Kovac.”

“He looks good,” Frank says as he passes by. “They’re pumping him full of fluids right now.”

“Never mind,” she tells the nurse on the phone. “Thanks.” Turning back to Frank, she crosses her arms. “You’ve seen him?”

“Yeah, just went to see how he’s doing.” Frank grabs a pile of papers from his desk. “You should think about going up there yourself.”

Abby rolls her eyes so hard they almost fall out. “Yeah. I’m trying.”

She’s putting charts back in the rack when the crinkling in her pocket reminds her that she has a letter to read. Before someone can distract her, she takes out the letter and turns to Frank.

“I’m taking my break.”

Sitting on the bench and smoking a cigarette, Abby reads through the letter one more time. Even on paper, he comes off smug and condescending.

_Guess that’s that._

There’s a part of her that’s torn, ragged and bleeding from his remarks because John Carter knows exactly which buttons to push to bring all her insecurities to the surface. The bigger part of her, the one that’s staring up at the hospital and wondering which room Luka is in, is relieved that it’s officially over.

She doesn’t notice her fellow nurses walking towards her until Connie pauses next to her bench. “We’re staging a walkout. We’re all meeting at Dunkin Donuts to come up with a plan.”

“What?”

“If we don’t take a stand now, they’re going to replace us all with part-time nurses so they don’t have to pay benefits.”

Stuffing her letter back in its envelope, Abby tries to muster up any sort of care. “Well, they’re welcome to replace me.”

Frank comes out to complain and with a deep sigh, Abby throws her letter into the trash and walks back inside. So much for Carter, so much for his so-called stability. She has work to do.

***

Walking into Five West, Abby checks her watch and then rushes to where the night nurse says Luka’s been assigned. The room is empty and she wants to bang her head against the glass (she might have followed through with that if her head weren’t pounding).

“He left.”

That voice. It takes her from depressed to elated in less time then she’s comfortable with but she doesn’t want to dwell on that.

Turning around, she sees him standing there, leaning on an IV stand, and she can’t help the smile that overcomes her face. Forget the nurse suspension, the unfair hospital policies, the needy patients, and the clueless residents, he’s safe and alive. She wants to hug him but she still has Carter’s crinkled letter in her pocket and if he hugged her back, she might actually cry.

“What are you doing?” She might not want a hug right now but she has to be closer, actually take in the reality that he came back from the dead.

“I needed to stretch my legs,” Luka says, waving at said legs like their existence explained everything.

Clean, shaved, and dressed in a hospital gown, he is far too skinny and there are facial abrasions she hadn’t noticed before and he is still too devastatingly handsome for his own good.

“It’s good to see you,” he says, smiling at her as she approaches. “You look great.”

“You look like hell,” she says like a liar.

He laughs and she clutches the letter in her pocket like a talisman.

“Too much partying on the plane.” He sniffs and sways a little, leaning more on his IV stand and staring down at her.

She can’t read his expression, a habit she’s fallen out of since they stopped seeing each other. Unsure of what to say or do, she checks his IV bag and adjusts the drip.

Um, I met Gillian,” she says as she steps back. “She said that -”

“Yeah, she helped get me here.” His head is bowed and he shuffles his feet.

“She said to take care of you.” Abby doesn’t know why she tells him that, only that he looks alone and well, not small because that’s physically impossible, but diminished.

“I’m sorry,” he says with a wave of his hand. “She couldn’t stay so she worried about - “

“You?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

More awkward silence follows and Abby doesn’t know whether to say sorry for bringing Gillian up or try to persuade him to go back to his room.

“Did you um, did Gillian give you the letter before she left?” His tone leaves no doubt in Abby’s mind that Gillian is not coming back.

It’s not a nice feeling that courses through her, she’s not that nice of a person, but she remembers that Luka asked a question. “Uh yeah. Did you read it?”

“No.” His indignant answer brings back her smile.

“Well, you’re the only one.” Looking over at the darkened rooms down the hall, Abby marvels that they are standing here talking about the end of her doomed relationship with Carter. They should be celebrating his return to the living. He's alive, here, with her.

“I think he just wanted to try and explain - “

She cuts him off. “I don’t care what he was trying to do.”

“He saved my life.”

It’s as much a plea for understanding as it is a gentle reprimand for her attitude and it should annoy her but his words remind her that without Carter, there would be no Luka standing here, able to reprimand her in that softly accented voice.

His eyes burn into her as he steps forward. “It’s different over there, it changes you.”

“Yeah, well, I hope it works out for him.” She’s tired of talking about Carter. “Shouldn’t you be getting back to bed?”

He looks at his IV and then back to her. “Maybe. Listen, he wanted me to tell you that he’s, um, found himself.”

“I didn’t know he was missing,” she quips, gaining a laugh even though his hand trembles on the stand. “I don’t want to talk about Carter anymore okay?”

“Okay, okay.” He waves at the hall. “It’s weird to be here.”

“Dr. Kovac, you should be in bed.” A night nurse walks through the doors and puts a hand on his arm. “You look ready to fall down.”

“I’m okay,” he says, trying to wave off the nurse’s attention.

Abby steps forward. “Hey, I can make sure he gets to bed.”

The nurse looks at her over his glasses and gives a small huff. “Fine, but make sure he takes his meds when he gets there. He should be resting.”

The man walks away and Abby gives Luka a smirk. “Well, you heard the man.”

Sighing at the obvious nurse solidarity that will now force him back to bed, Luka follows her to his room and groans as he crawls back onto the thin mattress.

Abby checks his temperature and hands him the cup of pills. “Take these and I’ll get you another pillow.”

“Through the hatch,” Luka says before tossing the pills into his mouth and chasing them with a swallow of water.

“Down,” Abby corrects before she can think better of it.

“What?”

“It’s down the hatch, not through.” She brings over another pillow and sets it on his lap.

He shakes his head and lays back, wincing in pain. “You’re correcting a sick old man, for shame.”

She snorts and checks that he’s still properly hooked up to the IV drip. “I’ll come and check on you tomorrow, alright?”

He nods and closes his eyes. The walk around the halls and talking to her seems to have worn him out. Giving in to the temptation, she pushes his hair back from his face.

“Get some sleep, Luka.” She wants to tell him that she’s glad he’s not dead, that no matter their past, he’s important to her and the world is a brighter place to her with him in it.

Carters letter burns like a lit cigarette in her pocket and she turns to leave.

“Abby, I think, maybe I’ve changed too.” His voice is so soft she almost misses it.

She turns around to find him staring at her in the dim light, his mouth set in determination and his eyes burning more than the crumpled paper in her pocket.

She thinks of Gillian's sad smile and her theory on Luka's strength. “Change is good though, right?”

He gives a small nod and waves as she closes the door. Taking out her letter, Abby looks around, finds the nearest trash can, and throws it away.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luka wants to go home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta'd by my friend [JenTerp4](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tsuuriki/pseuds/JenTerp4)
> 
> Check me out on [tumblr](http://kateera.tumblr.com/) or [twitter](https://twitter.com/kateera_)

On the fifth day of his hospital stay, Luka wakes to the soft humming of his night nurse, a young woman wearing purple scrubs and a bright pink headband, as she checks his vitals and adjusts his monitor. She's persistently perky about his still feeble condition and he wonders if she's been adjusting his medication to keep him in the hospital. Feeling awake and even hungry, he pulls himself into an upright position and looks towards the curtained-off windows. He wants to see outside, remind himself that he’s home instead of in a building that smells of death and blood.

“How are you feeling this morning?” The young nurse asks, flashing a smile and pushing a strand of hair behind her ear.

He shrugs and smiles enough to show that he heard her. “Better. Any chance for real food today?”

“That will be up to your doctor, you know this.” She doesn’t quite giggle but it's a close thing.

Her cheer is enough to aggravate even him but he knows better than to argue. “Can you open the curtains, please?”

Her smile widens at his simple request. “Of course! Let me get your chart finished and then I can talk to someone about food.”

“Thanks.” He turns his head and watches her pull open the green patterned curtains.

The sun is shining, though it’s competing with a few clouds scattered about the sky, and Luka can hear the hum of traffic as Chicago goes about its daily life. It sounds just as he remembers and there's something comforting about the stability of it all, that time hasn't slowed to a crawl for anyone but him.

The loud blare of a car horn startles him and he looks to see if the nurse noticed. She's writing something on a notepad and he turns back to the window. It’s the glare from the sun on the glass that turns his mind to Gillian and her departure.

He's not sure what he said while the fever was burning through him, but from her reaction, Abby's name came up more than once. Whatever he might have said, it was enough to send her back into the arms of her boyfriend in Montreal.

“I'll have a doctor come to see you, alright?” The cheerful nurse pats his leg and leaves the room.

As soon as she leaves, Luka throws his legs over the side of the bed and uses the IV stand to drag himself to his feet. Using the restroom is a chore but he manages on his own and heads to the window after washing up.

“She'll take good care of you then.”

They were never meant to last, he and Gillian. In the jungle, you take comfort where you can find it and consider yourself lucky if you're also friends. He knows she cares for him, the dangerous journey to save him proof of that, and he hates that his fever ramblings hurt her, but it's not her face he sees when he closes his eyes.

_Abby._

She comes to see him every chance she gets, sometimes just for a few minutes before she starts her shift, but it's nice to see her and hear her familiar offbeat comments.

He feels better, feels stronger than when he arrived and he needs to be in a place where he can think. Being here, alive and well after accepting that his time of death had been called, it feels powerful. It feels like fate.

“Good morning Luka, how are we doing?”

Turning to see a woman in a white coat walking towards him, Luka smiles and waves at the room. “I’m ready to get out of here.”

“Let’s see what we can do about that,” she says, walking close enough that he can read her name tag, Cybil Harrison.

He leans against the window sill and crosses his arms. “Fever’s gone, I’ve started gaining an appetite, and while I feel a little weak, I’m stronger than I was a few days ago.”

She hums and points to the bed. “In.”

Luka sighs and shuffles back to the bed, determined to leave today, regardless of what Dr. Harrison says.

***

Two hours later, Luka dresses in sweatpants and a scrub top and promises Dr. Harrison to come back in if he feels worse. She knows he won’t and he knows she knows, but she’s covering her ass and he can’t fault her for that. The wheelchair and Brittany are waiting for him and she looks a little despondent over his leaving but he pretends not to notice.

With a final shake of her head, Dr. Harrison signs him out and hands the chart to the nurse. “Take care of yourself.”

“Thank you.” He means it, he is grateful for her treatment but he is more grateful to be going home.

Brittany pushes him outside, the relatively cool air hitting his skin like a balm. Waiting next to the curb is Abby, wearing a smug smile and carrying a hospital first aid kit.

“What are you doing here?” He asks, unable to stop himself from smiling back.

His days lying in that bed, watching the hospital go about its routine, gave him plenty of time to think about what he wanted to with his new chance at life. A part of him wants to run back to the Congo and the simplicity of fighting every day to make a difference. It’s easy to see how he could be of help.

He wants to keep helping.

“I’m here to take you home,” Abby says, holding the wheelchair still as he stands up and stretches his arms above his head.

“What?”

“Home, you know, the place you’ve been arguing to go probably since you woke up?” She’s still smiling while Brittany stands off to the side, listening.

Luka turns and gives Brittany a smile. “Thank you for your help.”

She ducks her head and nods, grabbing the wheelchair handles. “Take care.”

“God, Luka, you’re going to give her a complex.” Abby waves to a taxi pulling into the bay.

“I’m just being polite,” Luka says as he watches the taxi park. “Would you rather I be rude?”

“Sometimes, it’s fun.” She pushes him towards the back of the taxi. “Come on, let's get you home.”

He climbs in the back of the taxi and watches Abby as she circles the vehicle and climbs in the other side. It’s an awkward shuffle as he scoots over to give her more room, their legs brushing together in the small space.

“Sorry,” he says as she settles in next to him.

“No, I’m sorry. I should have called for a bigger car.” She looks at him from the corner of her eye. “Guess I kind of forgot how much space you take.”

He shakes his head and then leans it against the window. “So, how did you know I was leaving?”

“I may have talked to Dr. Harrison about it and asked her to let me know when you managed to break out.” She doesn’t sound sorry about it at all.

Luka watches her for a moment and then hums. “So does this mean I have my own personal nurse now?”

She snorts. “You wish.”

He does and how much he truly wishes she could stay hits him in the chest like the impact of a sledgehammer against a brick wall.

_Abby._

He’s gone through the self-flagellation at their explosive break up and he’s run away from his still lingering feelings and now he’s back. He might be the world’s biggest fool but he still thinks she’s the most amazing woman he’s ever met.

She simply doesn’t know it yet. As they pull away from the hospital and she turns to look out the window, he keeps his eyes on her. He wants her to see it, to see that she’s more than just an abandoned kid with no attachments and a series of failures. She’s Abby, and she’s important. She’s important to him.

 _The Congo can wait_ , he thinks as a small smile creeps onto his face.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Abby takes care of Luka and makes plans for her future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta'd by my friend [JenTerp4](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tsuuriki/pseuds/JenTerp4)
> 
> Check me out on [tumblr](http://kateera.tumblr.com/) or [twitter](https://twitter.com/kateera_)

Getting Luka home and settled keeps Abby from thinking about money and school and loans and Carter and all the ways she could screw up by trying to become a doctor. Going back to school feels like the right decision and now she knows better than to expect someone else to pay for it.

“You don’t have to stay,” Luka says from his place on the couch.

He’s been sitting there since they arrived in the apartment, worn out from the trek up the stairs. Abby makes herself busy with unpacking her bag and setting up an IV drip.

“I don’t need one of those.” He hasn’t opened his eyes, but Abby supposes he can tell what it is from the noise she’s making.

“You need one more, and then a clear liquid diet,” she says, continuing her set up. “Are you going to stay on the couch or actually go to bed?”

“Ah, the real agenda.” His head tilt shouldn’t be so adorable and sometimes she hates that as a red-blooded straight woman, she’s not immune to his charms.

“Getting you into bed so you can get better and help out at the ER, yes. You caught me.” She points to the bedroom. “Come on.”

Luka sighs and lifts himself off the couch and Abby grabs him as he sways. Following her lead, they make their way to the bedroom and she gets him settled into the large bed. He says nothing as she hooks up the IV and takes his temperature. The silence is unnerving and Abby wants to say something to break the awkwardness. He stares at her face instead of her hands and she wants to make him stop.

“What?” She asks, hoping maybe he has a question that he’s afraid to ask.

Hmm?” The noise is deep and it vibrates through her skin.

“You’re staring at me.” She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear.

“Sorry,” he says, sleep creeping into his voice. “You’re nice to look at.”

She’s not sure what to say to that. Fluffing up his pillows, Abby shakes her head and wonders if it would be unethical to load him up with pain meds and make him sleep.

“You’re obviously still sick and we shouldn’t have let you come home if you’re still hallucinating.”

“I’m not hallucinating,” Luka says, grabbing her hand. “I’m happy I get to see you again.”

“Give it a few days,” she says, pressing a hand to his forehead.

He smiles. “I even missed that.”

“What, my witty banter?”

“Your self-deprecating humor.” His eyes are closing as he sinks back into the pillow. “I’d hate to think you actually believe it.”

She stares at him but his eyes are closed and he looks like he’s drifting to sleep.

_Leave, Abby. You can’t stay here._

Maybe it was a mistake to come here. She feels more comfortable being near him while they are in the hospital and there is a barrier of colleague behavior between them. Being in his house brings her back to those days after Brian's attack when Luka did his best to make her feel safe. This apartment feels safe to her. It’s dangerous. Tucking the blankets around him, Abby takes one last look around the room and then with a sigh, walks out the door.

Work swirls in the familiar patterns of irate doctors, blood and vomit, and barely functioning machines and it gives her too many distractions and yet not enough to get the sight of a sleeping Luka out of her head.

“Abby, are you even listening to me?” Susan taps her shoulder.

Jumping in surprise, Abby turns around and looks at Susan. “Sorry, what?”

“I asked about the LOL in curtain two.”

“Oh, complaining of a severe headache and some chest pain.” Abby looks over to the curtain area. “I’m thinking hypertension?.”

“Okay, I’ll be there in a minute.” Susan moves to walk away and then comes back. “Are you okay?”

“I’m good,” Abby says while she hands over the chart, thinking about whether or not Luka has anything edible at his house.

“How’s Luka?”

“Good, good.” She looks down at the floor. “I left him sleeping and I’ll be there later to make sure his fluid intake is normal.”

“Oh, so he’s got his own nurse now,” Susan says with a smirk.

Abby shakes her head and points towards the curtain area. “I need to get back to work.”

“Are you going to give him sponge baths?” Susan calls after her as Abby walks away.

Resisting the urge to flip her off, Abby walks into the first curtain and stares at the man with a fork sticking out of his arm.

“I didn’t think she’d do it,” he says as she approaches, gesturing to the wound with a look of surprise.

There’s a five-year-old sitting in the chair next to him, eyes wide as she clutches her doll.

Abby looks back at the man and smiles. “Let me see if someone’s available to pull that out and stitch you up.”

****

Seven hours later and Abby keeps checking her watch and tapping her pen against any chart in her hand. She wants to go check and make sure Luka is doing alright at home, that he hasn’t tried anything stupid, that his fever hasn’t returned.

“You know, it would be less annoying if you actually tapped that thing to a beat.”

Abby stops and looks at Pratt, squinting her eyes. “I'd say sorry but I don't actually care.”

“My patient in curtain three needs a bath before I can suture him.” Pratt hands her the chart and walks away.

Checking her watch again, Abby waves over Malik and hands him the chart. “I’m done for the day. Can you take care of this for me?”

Malik glares at her but takes the chart and looks down at it. “Seriously?”

“Just get him cleaned up and over to sutures. Thanks.” Giving him a pat on the back, Abby runs away before she can hear whatever uncomplimentary thing he has to say about her.

“Hey Abby,” Jerry calls from the counter, waving a piece of paper. “I got something for you.”

“I’m leaving, give it to someone else.” She wants to get to the grocery store before stopping by Luka’s and every delay itches at her patience.

“You really don’t want me to do that.” He’s smiling but it isn’t exactly a kind smile.

Walking back to the desk, she grabs the sheet of paper and groans. “Denied, come on!”

“No way a bank gives you a loan with a credit score like that.” Jerry shakes his head and tuts.

“You looked up my credit score?” Abby wants to throw something at his head.

“Hey, don’t leave your personal info around and it wouldn’t be so easy.” At last, his face turns kind. “Get a co-signer, that’s your only option at this point.”

With a sigh, she stuffs the sheet into her bag and walks out the door, hating the idea of asking anyone to help her. The whole point of the loan was that she wasn’t asking the people around her for help.

_It’s not like they’re giving you money. It’s like being a character witness. They are signing that they know you’re good for it._

The ride on the L gives her time to contemplate her choices and she’s not sure whether to laugh or cry at her lack of options. She imagines that long distance phone call to Carter, asking him to co-sign on her loan and trying to hold back her fuck you for that letter and gives a huff of laughter. Getting Carter involved in her finances would not be smart.

_That leaves Richard and Luka. Fuck._

As the L pulls to her stop, she decides that Richard is the better choice, regardless of how sure she is that Luka would say yes. She wants their friendship free of obligation and she deserves a bit of obligation from Richard. The grocery store is empty and she rushes through her shopping, adding crackers, broth, and other clear liquids to her cart and keeping an eye on the time. He’s been alone all day and a restless Luka tends to cause trouble, even when he’s sick.

“Ma’am, you ready?”

She stares at the cashier and blushes a bit as she realizes this isn’t the first time he’s asked her. Loading the counter with her purchases, Abby shuts down her active imagination and wills the cashier to scan things faster.

It’s a long trip to Luka’s with her arms loaded up with supplies but Abby makes her way to his door and drops the groceries at the entrance with a grunt. She digs out her key, the one he gave her while she stayed during the whole Brian debacle and never took back, and wonders if some part of her knew she’d need it again.

_Stop thinking, just make sure he can microwave some soup and get out._

She opens the door and calls out. “Luka? Are you awake?”

A thump and a curse sounds through the apartment and she can’t help the grin spreading across her face. “I’ve got food, sort of.”

Carrying the bags to the kitchen, she unpacks the cans of soup and packets of crackers and the six-pack of club soda that she tucks into the back of the fridge. He only drinks the stuff when he’s sick and she tries to ignore the fact that she still remembers that he prefers club soda over ginger ale.

“Did you buy the entire soup section?” Luka’s voice is rough with sleep and Abby turns to find him leaning on the counter.

His hair is spiked from sleep and there are pillow creases on his face and none of that seems to detract from how incredibly delicious he looks when he first wakes up. Abby decides this “being friends” thing would be a whole lot easier if she didn’t have such fond memories of seeing him early in the morning. Her eyes drift down his form and catch on the long scrape along his arm.

“What were you doing?” She asks, pointing to the injury.

He looks down and shakes his head. “Nothing, just caught myself on the dresser when I heard your voice. Guess I don’t have my balance back yet.”

She feels a twinge of guilt at her earlier amusement. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you. I thought you’d be asleep.”

“Just woke up and was getting clothes, no big deal.” He gives her a smile and sits at the counter. “What are you making me?”

“I’m not making you anything.” Abby grabs one of the cans of broth and sets it in front of him. “Enjoy.”

His smile widens and she resists the urge to pick up the can and throw it at his head instead. Baiting her is apparently still one of his favorite pastimes and she would take offense if it didn’t baffle her that he apparently likes this side of her personality.

_Guess he wasn’t just putting up with me._

She grabs the can and opens it, pulling a pan out and setting it on the stove.

“You don’t have to do that,” Luka protests, coming around the counter. “I can manage.”

“You’re sick and shouldn’t be trusted around a stove.” She’s a little annoyed at her apparent inability to leave him to his own devices but she doesn’t want to add severe burns to the list of things currently wrong with him. She can make soup before she leaves, that’s not a big deal.

“I’ll microwave it.” He’s standing with his hands on his hips and she watches him sway with the effort of standing up without support.

“Couch, now, okay?” She grabs his arm and leads him out of the kitchen. “Consider this my donation to Doctors Without Borders, God knows I can’t give them any money.”

He sits on the couch with a groan. “I thought I was better.”

“You are, just weak from the fever and lack of real rest,” Abby says as she pushes a pillow behind him. “Is the IV drip in the bedroom?”

He nods and she walks to grab it. “If you can handle the soup, I’ll take this back, alright?”

“Don’t burn my soup,” he says in response as she tucks the empty IV bag into her first aid kit.

“Stop telling me what to do,” she says, watching his mouth curl in a smile at her words.

_Luka Kovac, you are a strange man._

She doesn’t burn the soup but it's a close thing and since he drinks the entire bowl without complaint, she imagines she didn’t do so bad.

“I need a shower,” Luka says once he’s done with his food.

Abby stands and collects the empty bowl and takes it to the kitchen. “You need sleep, not a shower.” She’s not even going to try and assist with that, no matter how many times Susan brings up sponge baths.

He lifts his shirt and sniffs at the collar. “Nope, I think a shower is more important.”

“You realize that I’m not helping with that, right?” Abby turns and looks at him. “If you fall, I’m not going to be able to catch you and I’ll have to call 911 and one of our ambulance drivers is going to have to carry you out of there and it will be very embarrassing.”

He cocks his head to the side. “I wasn’t asking for your help, Abby.” A small smile twists his lips. “Though I’m scared that you’ve put so much thought into it.”

He climbs off the couch and heads for the bathroom, turning around just as he reaches the door and giving her a tired smile. “Thank you, Abby. I really do appreciate the help, even if I’m the worst patient in the world.”

She nods awkwardly and waits for him to close the door before she throws her hands in the air and spins back around to the sink. Why does he have to be so damn cute when she’s trying to be professional here? The dishes don’t have an answer for her but she cleans them all the same, then wipes down the counters, rearranges his spice rack, and puts a fresh filter in the coffee pot.

_Go home, Abby._

She looks at her wristwatch and flops down on the couch, picking a medical journal at random from the pile on the coffee table and flipping through the articles. The shower turns off and she still waits, determined to see him safely in bed before she goes.

_You just ended things with Carter. He’s going to think you’re looking for a rebound while he’s too weak to resist._

It’s a blatant lie and it snaps her away from the panic rising in her gut. She thinks back to those days after Brian attacked her and she stayed on this very couch and began associating this apartment with safety. He’d helped her then and asked for nothing but her friendship and she hates that she let that friendship fade away in the aftermath of John freaking Carter.

Between her rocky fling with Carter and Luka’s apparent spiral toward debauchery, their friendship fell between the cracks. He left for The Congo and it never felt right that she couldn’t check up on him. She sits on his couch and keeps watch over his shower and an ache settles in her heart.

‘Abby, you alright?”

She curses and looks up at Luka, his t-shirt and sweatpants hanging loose on his too thin frame. “Sorry, yeah. Just thinking.”

“About what?” He’s got a towel in one hand and is using the other to brace against the wall as he dries his hair, making it fluff and stand up in a dark shaggy mess.

“About us, our friendship.” She’s pretty sure her mouth moves before her brain registers the words because there’s no way she’s actually said that out loud. “That is, that we don’t really seem to have one anymore.”

He throws the towel back into the bathroom and carefully walks back to the couch. “We can change that though, right?”

“Sure,” she’s already said more than she meant, so there’s no use holding back. “I don’t want us to just be ‘crisis friends’ though.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, the friends that only hang out when something really bad is happening,” she wants to get this right. “Crisis friends.”

“Ah,” he leans against the back of the couch and hums. “I don’t want that either.”

“I want us to be like the friends that hang out after work.” She’s concentrating hard on her words, keeping it as platonic as possible. “I miss talking.”

_I miss you._

Long before she started her relationship with Carter, Abby had come to terms with the fact that there’s a portion of her heart that will always belong to Luka. She wants to protect that piece of herself but after hearing he died and then hearing he was alive, she wants to be a part of his life more than she wants the safety of distance.

“I miss it too,” Luka says and his serious expression eases her worry.

“Okay then, let’s get through this crisis and be friends.” Abby pats his knee and stands up.

He groans and slides down until he’s taking up the entire couch. “Can’t move.”

“You did too much, too soon. She says, crossing her arms to resist the temptation to check his fever with the back of her hand.

“Shower good, moving bad.”

“Yeah, kind of why I suggested sleep first.” Just because they’re going to try being friends, doesn’t mean she’s going to skimp on any “I Told You So”s.

“Hate being dirty.”

She knows she needs to move him to the bedroom before he falls asleep on the couch. Once he starts leaving out pronouns and particles, it’s not long before he crashes.

“Up you get.” She pulls on his arm. “A little help from the giant person on the couch would be great.”

It’s not much, but the fact that she can still make him smile is enough to make her hopeful about this whole friends thing. With a few more protestations and plenty of harping from her, Abby gets him into bed, tucking the blankets around him and leaving a glass of water on the nightstand. She takes a few moments to watch the rise and fall of his chest and then dims the lights in the apartment and closes the door softly behind her.

Taking a taxi home because she’s too tired to risk falling asleep on The L, Abby resolves to find Richard tomorrow and make him co-sign for her loan, even if she has to threaten him. There’s something comforting about the thought of barging into his perfectly formed life and demanding that he help her start her own.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Luka's first day back at County and it's like he never left, almost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, a majot thanks to [JenTerp4](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tsuuriki/pseuds/JenTerp4) for being an awesome beta!  
> Check me out on [tumblr](http://kateera.tumblr.com/) or [twitter](https://twitter.com/kateera_)

Water rushes below him as Luka walks along the bridge and watches the various watercraft go about their day. He’s had a full day of walking and remembering how to be in Chicago again. It’s evening and the sun is drifting further behind the horizon but it feels good to be walking and moving without feeling so tired.

When he first arrived, he wanted nothing more than to get better and hop on the next flight back to Africa, sure that his true reason for still living waited somewhere in that endless jungle. He’d forgotten what waited here, who waited here.

_Well, she wasn’t waiting for me, but still._

Suffering a near-death experience tends to change a person and Luka wonders if that brush with the afterlife was meant to send him back here, to her.

He knows what was in that letter, though he never read it, and he’s happy that Carter found something worth holding onto in The Congo but his heart aches for the unhappiness in Abby’s eyes, her mistaken belief that she’s not worth the trouble. He wonders if he should have pressed John to come home, break up with Abby like a proper man, but while he sees the situation clearly now, those moments before the flight back to Chicago are a blur in his mind.

He has a few choices in front of him and he’s been walking for hours trying to decide on the right path. He could go back to The Congo with John and continue the self-sacrificing route that appeals to his darker nature. He could go back home and visit his family and see if the pain has lessened enough to stay in his home country. Or he could stay here in Chicago and try a whole new path, one with an unpredictable outcome.

“Luka, what are you doing out here?”

He looks around and sees Abby walking up to him, swinging a grocery bag in her arms and smiling. He loves her smile, the way it starts with just a small twitch at the corners and grows into a wide all-encompassing expression. He loves that smile best when it's aimed at him.

“You get sick again and I’m not coming over to help,” she says as she sets her bag down and wraps her coat tighter around her midsection.

“I'm fine.” He also loves how protective she gets about him but he's better now and would rather she focus on someone else now, like herself. “Just walking and taking in the city. I go back to work tomorrow.”

“That’s great,” she says, looking out over the river. “Are you ready?”

“Hope so.” He picks a piece of trash off the sidewalk and balls it up, throwing it into a nearby trash can. “I’m going to go up in my mind if I spend another day on the couch.”

She shakes her head. “You’re going to go out of your mind not up in.”

Grinning at her, he leans over the railing. “Whatever, do you work tomorrow?”

“Yeah, actually, I um, I made some changes.” She leans over the railing as well looking down at the murky water.

“What kind of changes?” Lord, how he missed this, the talking and sharing and being comfortable around each other.

“Well,” she tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. “I think I should keep it a surprise.”

“Are surprises part of the friends thing now?” He gives her a smile, hoping his words don’t sound harsh and the slight quirk of her lips is enough to ease his mind.

“As a matter of fact, yes. Along with unannounced coffee treats and correcting your American idiom mixups.” Abby gives his shoulder a slight bump. “All part of the ‘friends with Abby Lockhart’ package.”

Smiling at her good mood, Luka nods. “Very well, I accept.” He nudges her back. “I look forward to my coffee tomorrow.”

“That’s not what I-” She stops talking and shakes her head at him again. “Anyway, see you tomorrow. Try to get some rest. County hasn’t really changed.”

“I never expected it to,” Luka says as she grabs her grocery bag and heads for the crosswalk.

She gives him a small wave as she walks away. He waves back, then drops his hand and stares back across the river. Abby Lockhart wants to be his friend and its enough of a start that he knows his decision, even as it terrifies him.

*****

County is the same but Luka feels different as he steps through the emergency doors as a doctor this time instead of a patient. The line of people waiting to be seen makes him shake his head but Chuny is there with a smile and Frank is there with a message from Kerry and a part of him feels like he never left.

Between the frantic mother and her kids and some commotion in the hallway, Luka didn’t have time to see what Abby’s surprise was until she shows up for a consult on a crash victim.

“You’re the consultant?” He asks, giving her a smile as she checks the patient over.

“Yep.” She’s focused on the man on the bed but he can tell she’s waiting for something more.

“The coat looks good on you.” She lights up and he knows he’s said the right thing. “This is the only surprise though, right?”

“Yeah, for now.” She turns back to the patient. “Primary survey complete?”

He watches her work, a little too eager to get everything right but being thorough isn’t a bad thing in his book. Romano being an ass isn’t easy to handle either and she doesn’t give up so he stays out of it. With Abby, there is a fine balance between offering help and letting her stand on her own.

“Luka, Weaver’s looking for you.” Chuny’s voice comes from the doorway.

“I’ll call her back.” Avoiding Weaver today has almost become a game.

“She’s in the hall.”

He looks at Chuny and back at Abby, cutting the strand of O-silk as she holds it steady. “You’re fine here, right?” Her unimpressed face makes him want to kiss the tip of her nose but instead, he takes off his gloves. “You’re fine.”

She’s back in school. That’s one milestone I can cross off the list.

“We need to set some ground rules if you’re going to be working here again,” Kerry says as they walk through the halls.

“Sounds good to me,” Luka says, concentrating more on the chart in front of him than on what she’s saying. “Gallant, road burn in two is gone?”

Gallant gives an affirmative while Kerry keeps talking. “We need a guarantee of at least thirty-six hours a week.”

Heading to the board and erasing the patient from two’s name, Luka puts his chart down and turns to Kerry. “I can do sixty a week for the first two months and then slide back down to thirty-six once we’re in a better place staff wise.”

Kerry stares at him. “Sixty hours? Are you trying to burn out again?”

Luka smiles, hearing the panic in her voice and feeling a little smug that she actually needs him here. “That’s twelve-hour shifts, five days a week, for eight weeks. In Africa, I did eighteen hours a day, every day.” He doesn’t want to talk shop anymore, not with patients still waiting to be seen. “This will be a piece of pie.”

“Cake,” Kerry says with a sigh.

He decides he doesn’t particularly like her correcting him, not as much as he likes it when Abby does it, with her exasperated smile and head shake. Leaving Kerry at the board, Luka heads to Morris’ side, hoping the administrative side of Weaver is assuaged for now. No such luck.

“No, I don’t want to wear you out, Luka, not when we need you here.” Her face is stern but the tightness in her mouth gives away her fear.

The fear is enough to make him feel for her position but not enough to continue the conversation. “I need the money and I want to work and I can handle it, alright?” Turning to Morris, Luka shakes his head and motions for the chart. “Any rebound tenderness?”

“I’ll also require at least four weeks notice next time you decide to skip town.” She’s relentless and it makes Luka want to both applaud her and curse at her.

“Give me the hours and I promise, I won’t be going anywhere for a very long time.” He knows it’s not what she expects to hear and it’s a little gratifying to see her eyebrows try to touch her hairline.

“What?”

“I’m done with Africa for a while,” Luka says, waving his hand out towards triage. “I’ve got patients here who need my help and I strangely missed teaching while I was away.” He turns to Morris. “Before you order a $3,000 dollar test, do a thorough exam.”

Kerry gives him a long look and then shrugs. “Eight weeks, sixty hours a week, and then we renegotiate. And from now on you’ll be answering to Dr. Romano.” She walks away while he stares after her in horror.

Wait, what?

“Then we better start talking about my raise!” Luka calls after her but she’s already gone.

****

It’s a hard day back and Luka is glad to be walking out the door and away from the bright lights and the familiar smell of antiseptic and death. He’s sure that if he closes his eyes, he will see that car on fire and the woman’s face as she twists and jerks from the pain. He doesn’t want to go to sleep.

“Hey, Luka, wait up!”

Abby runs up behind him and puts a hand on his arm. “You got time for that coffee now? I’ve got about twenty minutes before my nursing shift starts.”

“Still taking nursing shifts?” Luka asks with a frown. “Why? You’re going to burn out.”

Abby shrugs her shoulders. “I don’t have much of a choice. Even with my loan, I still need the extra income.”

“You know I would help, right?” Luka asks, hoping she doesn’t take offense to his offer.

Once upon a time, his offered help would only cause her extreme irritation. This time she shakes her head and smiles wide.

“I think it’s better this way,” she says, holding the door open to the overpriced cafe’ she’s led him to. “I mean, other than a co-signer for my loan, I’m doing this on my terms. It feels nice.”

“Well, can I still offer to help with studying and caffeine?” He points to the menu and raises his eyebrows.

“I’ll take the caffeine for now, yes.” She orders at the counter and walks to a far table, sitting down and looking out the window.

When he joins her, she’s got her hands tucked in her pockets and she’s bouncing in her seat. “So, I heard you turned triage into a refugee clinic while I was up in surgery.”

He shakes his head and runs a hand through his hair. “All I did was help clear the room. It’s ridiculous how long people have to wait to be seen.”

“Hey, preaching to the choir,” Abby says waving a hand to counter his explanation. “You certainly made Romano happy, something I will not be doing for the rest of the year.”

“His opinion has no weight on your abilities.” He wants to keep her spirits high. “He’s honestly mostly mad at seeing you in surgical scrubs while he can’t walk in an OR an operate again.”

Seeing the barista put their coffee’s on the counter, Luka stands and grabs them, remembering the two packets of sugar she always uses.

Abby smiles as he hands her the cup and sugar packets. “I can’t believe you still remember.”

“When you get pelted with coffee straws because you forgot one time, it sticks in your brain.” He likes that he can still make her happy with the little things. “Was the rest of your day alright?”

“I might have been witness to some philandering going on up in surgery but nothing I can’t handle.” Abby takes a sip of her drink and settles back in her chair. “I also heard about the suicide. Are you okay?”

Normally, at this point, he’d shrug and tell her of course, that being okay with what walks through the doors of the ER is just part of the job. He doesn’t want their previous normal though, he wants more than just passing affirmations of “okay” and “alright”.

“Honestly, I don’t really want to go to sleep right now.” He stares down at his coffee cup. “I know she didn’t mean to but she lit herself on fire in front of her son and that’s going to stay with him for the rest of his life.”

Abby reaches forward and puts her hand over his, squeezing gently. “You did what you could. Taking on her actions isn’t going to help.”

Luka glances up and grips his coffee cup tight in his hand. “The logical part of me knows that, not so sure about the rest of me.”

“You got through almost dying in The Congo and malaria,” Abby says, squeezing his hand one more time before letting go and returning to her side of the table. “I’m getting through medical school and one of the shittest breakups I’ve ever received. I say we owe it to ourselves to keep going.”

Luka can’t help but smile at her reasoning but his mind latches onto a different topic. “I’m sorry about the letter. He should have had the guts to at least tell you in person.”

She waves his apology away. “Maybe this way was better. Means I couldn’t give in to my urge to punch him in the face.”

“I didn’t get a punch in the face,” Luka brings it up before he can think better of it. “I’d say I probably deserved one.”

“Oh, I thought about it,” Abby says smiling her wide happy smile. “I decided that if I was going to have to work with you the next day, at the very least, I wasn’t going to ruin the scenery.”

“Thanks for that.”

“You’re welcome.”

Sitting with Abby, drinking coffee and trading jokes feels natural, feels more right than a fly-infested tent in The Congo or a seaside trip with his brother. Luka watches her face as she talks and gestures and almost spills her coffee in her excitement and loves her.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Abby worries over Luka as tragedy strikes the ER.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta'd by [JenTerp4](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tsuuriki/pseuds/JenTerp4) who is also a voice of support (THANK YOU SO MUCH)
> 
> Check me out on [tumblr](http://kateera.tumblr.com/) or [twitter](https://twitter.com/kateera_)

 

***There’s a feeling of heat in the air and Abby twists as strong hands slide down her thighs and over her knees, massaging her calves and relaxing every muscle in her body. She can hear music playing but can’t make out the words.**

**A soft voice whispers to her as she melts under those talented fingers. “You don’t have to do anything, just lie back and relax.”**

**The voice is familiar and her hands reach out, running fingers through soft black hair and watching it cascade in front of sparkling green-gray eyes.**

**He knows just where to touch, just how to make her gasp as his hands slide between her thighs and brush against her core.***

 

The buzzing of her alarm clock wrenches her from the dream and Abby sits up with a gasp.

Holy shit.

Brushing a hand over her face, she lies back down and breathes out a long sigh. Her hand is halfway down her pants before she stops and lets out a frustrated squeal. Masturbating to sexy dreams about Luka might feel good, but she’s in no mood to sour their new found friendship with her libido. SHe decides to ignore the fact that her subconscious is playing cruel tricks on her emotions and instead focuses on getting ready for work.

_Hey, it’s not like I don’t just delight in Romano riding my ass while I work this ER rotation._

Romano’s pettiness, added with her work schedule and school schedule, was wearing her down and throwing her off her normal level of competency. Brushing her hair and pulling it back into a ponytail, she drags her fingers down her throat and thinks back to her dream.

It’s been nice, really nice, having Luka in her life again and she doesn’t want to do anything to mess that up. She hopes her subconscious gets with the current program. Imagining Luka in her bed is not conducive to building a healthy friendship.

_Get it together, you dolt._

After a quick look to make sure she wasn’t a complete wreck for her shift, Abby heads for The L, determined to focus on school and not on the annoyingly accurate images of Luka in her bed.

She kills the test dummy. She throws her gloves into the trash while everyone is standing around with pity on their faces. While Neela tries to comfort her, Abby wants to forget the whole lesson and get back to work. It’s going to take more than Romano’s apparent dislike of her career choice to make her quit, but adding it to the low test scores she’s been getting and it still manages to shake her confidence. Seeing Luka moving a patient in the hallway, she jumps to help him, eager to put the mock code behind her.

“Mr. Garland has pneumonia with hypoxia,” Luka tells her, accepting her help without question, which feels good after the session with Romano.

“You need IV antibiotics,” she tells Mr. Garland, happy to be of help to someone.

“I need to be with my family for Thanksgiving,” Mr. Garland says.

She sympathizes but positions his bed next to the wall where he won’t be in the way.

“They can come and visit you here,” Luka tells him, locking down the bed and turning towards her. “How was the mock code?”

She doesn’t want to talk about it. “Fine.”

“So total humiliation?”

“I looked like an idiot,” she says with a shake of her head.

Patting her shoulder, Luka walks with her to the admit desk. “He does that to everyone.” His smile takes some of the sting away.

“Or maybe I just don’t get it.” It’s hard voicing her concern that as much as she wants this, she might not be cut out to be a doctor.

“You’ll catch on, it just takes a little time.” Luka sounds so sure and she wants nothing more than to believe what he says.

“Time is something I’m running shorter on every day.” She brushes against his side. “Thanks for the pep talk.”

“Anytime,” Luka says, flashing her another smile that sends her straight back to her dream. “And my offer to help still stands.”

“I’ll think about it.” He’s halfway down the hallway when she calls out. “We’re still on for coffee?”

He waves and nods and it’s enough to send her off with more confidence in her stride. The front desk is a mess of decorations and Frank is busy cursing at a paper turkey but Abby still smiles as she returns Mr. Garland's chart to the rack for medicine and waits for Susan to pass out assignments. Her evening coffee’s with Luka are sometimes the only high point to her days and as she takes the offered chart from Susan, her heart feels lighter.

The light feeling disappears as she hits the call button for a nurse and tries to wake up her patient, Loren. The woman is bleeding out and losing her pregnancy and while she wants to do all she can for her, Abby feels out of her league.

Sam, the new nurse, and Luka show up as Abby’s ready to start panicking and quickly get to work trying to revive Loren. As the second liter starts, Loren begins waking up and Abby takes a quick breath of relief before she helps her sit up and take off her mask.

“Hey Loren, you gave us a little scare.” Abby brings up the bed and helps her adjust. “You passed out from blood loss.”

“That doesn’t sound good.”

Luka is checking Loren’s bleeding and Abby is more than grateful to have him in the room as she keeps Loren talking.

“Yeah, there can be retained tissue that keeps bleeding.” Giving her shoulder a pat, Abby checks the monitor and watches Luka stand back from the table.

She’s grateful for Sam’s efficiency as she still feels slightly panicked from almost losing Loren and Luka orders more blood as she gathers up some extra tubing.

“How do you stop it?” Loren asks, wiping at her mouth.

“With a D and C,” Abby says with a smile. “We clean things out and you’re back to normal.”

“Abby.” Luka only says her name but her heart drops to her stomach.

She follows him out into the hall, throwing a quick “I’ll be right back” to Loren as they exit. When she looks at Luka’s face, she knows she did something wrong.

“There’s no retained tissue,” he says gently, looking at Loren and back to her. “She has multiple uterine fibroids.”

“Shit,” Abby says, looking down at her shoes.

“It’s not going to be as simple as a D and C.” His voice is kind but she knows she screwed up.

“I should have kept my mouth shut,” she says, putting her hands on her hips. “I mean, most of the time it’s retained.”

“I know.” Luka looks back through the window. “Not in her case though.”

“Alright, I’m sorry.” She looks at him and his solemn eyes and wants to crawl inside a hole. “What’s next?”

“Let’s transfuse two units and call GYN,” he says and then his voice drops to a whisper. “I know you meant well, Abby.”

“Thanks, Luka.” She looks at Loren. “I hope she sees it that way.”

“It’s why we learn on the job,” Luka says with a hint of humor in his voice. “We remember our mistakes clearly. I’ve made the same kind of slip while trying to be comforting.”

“I’ve got to get back to my patient.” Abby moves to open the door, feeling small and hating that she feels this way for an honest mistake. “I’ll call Dr. Coburn.”

“Okay, I’ll see you later?”

“Yeah, wait.” She hits her head with the palm of her hand. “I promised Susan I could cover a nursing shift tonight. I’m sorry.”

He waves her apology away. “It’s fine. I’ll see you around.” He gives her one last smile and walks away.

_Damn it._

Abby wishes her heart would get with the ‘been there, done that’ program but Luka somehow manages to break through all her barriers just by being himself and while it’s on the whole, completely endearing, it’s also annoying. She’s on her way up to scrub in for Loren’s surgery, one that hopefully still leaves her with a working uterus, when the entire hospital goes crazy and a helicopter lands in the bay.

Her first thought is shit and her second thought is Luka.

She spares a second to hope he’s alright before her training kicks in and she heads for the storage closet, pulling out trauma bins and directing Neela in how to help assess and tag the wounded.

“Chuck was on that helicopter.” Susan’s panicked face breaks Abby’s heart and she’s torn between comforting her friend and dealing with the mass casualties.

The casualties win out as she sees more people being carried through the doors and Susan goes with her, giving Abby a glimpse of how strong she is, to be in so much pain and keep pushing through it.

_Susan Lewis is the kind of doctor I want to be._

Working together with Neela and Coop, Abby keeps her mind on the job and tries not to panic that she hasn’t seen Luka since the crash happened. It’s a mess of people and wreckage and nurses and doctors running from room to room in an effort to get ahead of the disaster. The good moments, like seeing Susan register that Chuck’s still alive, feel buried under the death and heartache and stress.

“Is it over?” Neela asks as they walk away from the elevator.

Susan is taking Chuck up to surgery, his near miss with the helicopter not enough to save him from flying debris. As proud as she is of her work, Abby still hasn’t seen Luka and now that the worst is over, she has to concentrate on not racing around the hospital and searching for him.

_He survived The Congo. He’s okay._

“Abby? Abby?” Luka’s voice carries through the hallway and Abby turns to see him weaving between people, his eyes darting into each room as he passes.

Her heart jumps into her throat at the sight of him, drenched and dirty and panicked and alive. “Luka, over here.”

Watching his face flood with relief, Abby waits for him to approach and takes a deep steady breath to help calm her own worry. It feels nice to know that while she was thinking about his safety, he was thinking about hers as well.

_Friends, remember?_

He slows down in front of her and it might be her imagination but she thinks he reaches for her slightly, pulling back and crossing his arms over his chest at the last second. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, you?” Abby gestures to his wet clothes. “Win any prizes?”

He tilts his head and furrows his brow. “What?”

“Nothing, never mind. Why are you all wet?”

“I was up in medicine and the crash set off some oxygen tanks which set off the sprinkler system.”

“But everyone’s alright up there?”

“For now,” he says, dragging a hand through his wet hair. He looks around the ER and out towards where the crew is still clearing the wreckage. “What a mess.”

“Well, no one was shooting at us while things were on fire, so you’ve had worse.” She smiles to show she’s joking and the smile she gets back is enough to start that annoying pounding in her chest.

She pushes at his shoulder, directing him to the lockup. “Go get changed out of those wet clothes.”

Again with the secret agenda,” he teases and she counts herself lucky that he’s already walking away and can’t see her blush.

“Are you two seeing each other?”

Abby turns to see Sam staring at her with a slight smile. “Me and Luka? No, that ended a while ago. We’re just friends now.”

“Oh, sorry.” Sam hugs the chart in her arms close to her chest. “Good that you can still be friends though.”

Abby smiles and looks towards the door Luka disappeared behind. “Yeah. It’s good.” Turning back to Sam, she clears her throat. “Did you need something?”

“He’s a good guy though right?”

Abby tilts her head and then laughs. “He’s one of them, yeah. Why?”

She hates that her hands are itching to pull out every strand of Sam’s hair. It’s not that she’s jealous of course, but she hates that anyone who’s spent time with Luka, especially working with him, would think to ask that question.

“My kid gets attached to weirdos,” Sam says with a shrug. “Alex seems to think him and Luka are best friends now.”

Abby’s anger melts away at that, a bit of guilt creeping in that she automatically assumes Sam is asking about Luka’s availability. “Well, Alex has good taste then.”

“Not usually.”

“Maybe it’s growth,” Abby says with a smile. “Luka’s a good person, You don’t have to worry.”

Sam looks from the lockup and back to Abby and then lets out a breath. “Thanks. I know that, but sometimes it’s easier just to believe the worst, you know?”

Looking behind her, Abby watches Luka come back out wearing green scrubs and rubbing his hair dry with a towel and closes her eyes. “Yeah, I know.”

She finishes her med school shift by getting County cleared for trauma again and not focusing on the very unwelcome emotional roller coaster of the day. Every once in a while, she wonders where Dr. Romano is, but since he’s not around to berate her or make snide comments about her performance, she doesn’t try to figure out where he might have gone. Mostly, she spends her time ignoring the way her body wanted to collapse into Luka when she discovered he was alright.

_You have no time to do this, again. You’re staying out of a relationship till you graduate med school and that’s that._

Feeling better after mentally chastising her traitorous libido, Abby finds Susan to let her know they are good to open again.

“Too bad it takes a disaster to whip this place into shape.” Susan looks exhausted but her relief over Chuck still shines through her tired eyes.

Neela walks by with more news and Abby is happy to hang up her medical student identity but less thrilled to have to slip into nurse mode. Dr. Coburn catches her and gives the final piece of bad news for the day, Loren had to have a hysterectomy and lost the chance to have children.

“She’s stable now,” Dr. Coburn says, her voice kind in the wake of the bad news. “I heard you had your hands full down here.”

“Yeah.” She hates this part of her job, just having to accept the less desirable outcome for a patient.

“Goodnight.” Coburn leaves the ER and Abby goes back to her charts, feeling dejected and hoping Loren will be alright.

“Hey, can I sign out?” Sam walks up to her as she looks over one of the many charts.

“What?”

“You’re night shift nurse.”

“Not until seven,” Abby says absentmindedly, still staring in disbelief at the chart in her hands.

“Well, it’s quarter till.” Sam’s voice is pleading but Abby isn’t paying attention to her, too annoyed at what she’s reading to care what the other nurse does.

“I don’t believe this,” Abby says. “I wrote these orders six hours ago.”

As she’s walking away, Abby hears footsteps behind her. “Go, fine. I don’t care.”

“Well if that’s the way you feel.” Luka’s voice startles her and she turns around.

“Sorry,” she says with a shake of her head. “I thought you were Sam.”

He looks down at his green attire. “I suppose I can see the resemblance.”

Abby grins and turns back around. “What do you need or want?”

“I know you’re working tonight but I thought I’d catch up on some paperwork in the lounge.” He’s following her and she’s focusing hard on the chart in front of her.

In the background Abby can hear Sam saying goodbye to the other nurses and the sound of her son, Alex, arguing with her.

“What does that have to do with me?”

“I’m offering coffee, if you want it,” Luka says with a chuckle.

Abby groans and looks at her watch. “You asking me if I want coffee feels wrong.”

“If I’d just gotten it, you would have been mad at me for assuming.” The lightness in his voice is addicting and she finds herself hanging on each syllable. “It feels safer to ask.”

“Amazing,” Abby says looking over her shoulder at him. “A couple of years but he can be taught.”

“Ha, ha.” Luka backs away. “Is that a no then?”

“Coffee is always a yes,” Abby says, giving him a break. “Even if you don’t ask.”

“Noted.” He rocks back on his heels and smiles at her before heading towards the door.

Coffee in the break room, while other doctors and nurses come and go, isn’t the same as meeting at their favorite cafe and throwing sugar packets at each other, but it’s better than the lonely Thanksgiving she had been planning and it’s with a light heart that she returns to her patient and sets up the antibiotics.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the aftermath of Romano's death, everyone is trying to get through another day. Luka makes a rash decision about Alex and it causes friction between him and Abby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta'd by my friend [JenTerp4](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tsuuriki/pseuds/JenTerp4) who's keeping me on task with Nanowrimo like a champ!
> 
> Check me out on [tumblr](http://kateera.tumblr.com/) or [twitter](https://twitter.com/kateera_)

“You’ll be fine,” Luka says, holding the phone to his ear as he pours milk into his cereal. “Just remember that it’s only a practice test and you’ll have time to brush up on the things you missed.”

He sits down at the breakfast table and smiles as she rattles off how annoying it is that she can know all the answers and still flunk a test. He finds it endearing that he’s the one she turns to for reassurance.

“I’ll see you at work, bye.” Hanging up the phone, he settles into his breakfast and sends up a small prayer for Abby as she takes her test.

Walking from The L station to the hospital, Luka stops to grab two cups of coffee from a nearby coffee stand. He’s grabbing sugar packets for Abby when Elizabeth Corday walks up and places her own order.

“Hello,” Luka says, giving her a kind smile as he waits for his coffee.

She seems startled by his presence but recovers quickly. “Hi. Headed in?”

“Yep, you?”

“No, I’m off for a bit.” She pulls on her purse strap. “But Robert’s memorial is today so I’m headed to the chapel to set up.”

He feels for her and her loss. While Romano wasn’t his favorite person, Elizabeth shared a connection with the man and her grief is palpable.

“I’m sorry, about Dr. Romano.” Luka doesn’t really know what else to say and shuffles his feet back and forth while more people trying to feed their caffeine addictions mill around the stand.

“Thank you, Luka.” She gives him a warm smile. “It’s going to be a hard day.”

“If there’s anything I can do,” he says as his coffee order is placed on the pickup shelf. “Let me know.”

Elizabeth looks ready to cry at his words and Luka places a hand on her shoulder as she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath.

“I know he wasn’t a well-liked man,” she says once she’s pulled herself together. “He didn’t let anyone else see that soft side of his, but it was there, I promise.”

Luka nods and steps closer, wrapping his arms around her as she looks ready to cry again. “I’m sorry.”

With a couple of sniffs to regain her composure, Elizabeth returns his nod and then points to his coffee order. “Your coffee will get cold. Go on, I’ll see you at work.”

“Sure, see you later.” He grabs the two cups and with a final smile, heads towards the hospital.

Elizabeth’s heartbreak stays with him as he walks. He won’t miss Romano’s toxic comments and backstabbing ways but it is sad that the man’s whole life was this hospital and it killed him.

He sips his coffee and decides that his life has to be more than County General and it’s patients if he doesn’t want to die miserable and alone.

“How did you do?” He asks, setting a coffee cup next to Abby. Getting to work early is worth it to catch a few moments with her before his shift starts but she’s standing at a computer instead of waiting for him in the break room.

“Not done yet,” she says shooing him away as she grabs for her cup.

He huffs and tries to steal the coffee back, earning a slap on his wrist for the attempt.

“Fine, fine, I’m going.” He laughs and walks to his locker, not able to hide the smile that seems to grow every time he sees Abby.

“Morning,” Susan says from her locker, sliding her stethoscope around her shoulders. “Having fun already?”

“Messing with Abby is always fun,” Luka replies as he slips off his coat and hangs it in his locker. “Especially about coffee.”

“Are you two dating again?” She’s staring at him with a concerned look.

He frowns and shakes his head. “No, we’re friends. Why?”

“Oh, nothing. Maybe I’m just so sleep deprived I’m seeing things.” She rubs a hand over her face.

“How’s Chuck?” Luka asks, steering the conversation away from him and Abby before Susan can press the issue.

“He’s good, really good.” Her wide smile says the rest and Luka laughs.

“I’m glad.” He closes his locker and heads for the door, walking backward so he can still face her. “I mean, so long as it stays at home and not in the handicapped stall.”

“Pots and kettles, Luka,” Susan retorts, closing her own locker and glaring at him.

“I don’t know what that means.” He turns around and exits the break room and bursts out laughing, unable to keep a straight face.

Susan hits him with the door when she walks by and he’s not even sorry. Abby is watching him from the desk, her face so full of wonder that he sobers instantly. The look disappears and she looks about to say something before Kerry calls her name. Giving her a small wave, Luka starts his day wondering what that look was about.  
  


****

  
In hindsight, maybe splinting Alex’s arm wasn’t the best idea, but the kid didn’t seem to be lying and Luka hates looking the other way when someone is getting picked on.

“He was getting beat up at school.” Luka wonders why he’s even protesting but something about Alex tugs at his heart.

I can’t win with Sam no matter what I do.

“What, he told you his Osama Kendrick, Evil Wrestler story?” Sam rolls her eyes. “Please, he made it up.”

Luka tilts his head and presses his lips together to keep from lashing out. He wants to yell back, ask why the boy doesn’t have friends of his own or have somewhere other than the hospital to stay, but it’s not his place and at this point, he wants out of the conversation.

“He makes up a lot of stuff,” Sam says, glaring at her son.

“I’m sorry, I was trying to help.” The honest answer only seems to piss Sam off more and Luka is done with the entire day.

We don’t need your help.” She’s looking between Alex and Luka as if unsure who she’s most upset with.

“Hey, we still need to find that finger,” Susan says and Luka could hug her for trying to break the tension.

Alex looks ready to bolt for the door so Luka bends down and takes him by the splinted arm. “Alex, where is it?” He keeps his eyes trained on his face, ready to catch the boy out on any lie he tries to spin.

“It’s in the refrigerator in the lounge,” Alex says with a pout. “I put it in there because I know it’s supposed to stay cold.”

Susan runs for the lounge and Luka backs away from Sam, who’s currently pulling on Alex’s arm. “We are taking this off. Come on. And why would you tell him and not me?”

“He asked nicer,” Alex says, looking back toward Luka while he’s dragged off.

Luka covers his mouth to hide his smile.

“You seriously need to stop helping that kid,” Abby says, coming up behind him to lean on the counter. “He’s going to grow up and call you for bail money.”

“He just needs some positive attention,” Luka says, standing up and brushing his hair back from his face. “I can’t help it if I feel sorry for him.”

“Well, that attention doesn’t have to come from you. Sam looked like she was ready to scratch your eyes out.” Abby bumps against his shoulder. “And you would have deserved it.”

“You would have my back though, right?” Putting his hands on his hips, he narrows his eyes at her.

Abby laughs. “I’m not getting into a cat-fight with Sam, sorry to burst your bubble.”  
  
Luka pouts but flashes her a smile. “What did Kerry want? She seems to be everywhere today.”

“She wanted me to speak at Romano’s memorial,” Abby says with a roll of her eyes. “No one wants that.”

“When are you going up?”

“Up where?”

“To the memorial?” Luka points to the flowers sitting on the counter. “I’m almost due for a break.”

Abby gives him a confused look. “Wait, you’re going? You hated the man.”

Crossing his arms, Luka looks at the floor. “I know, I know. It’s not really for him though. Elizabeth is standing up there all by herself is all. I thought I might be there for her if not for Romano.”

Abby tilts her head and a slow smile spreads across her face, one that makes Luka flash back to lazy mornings. “You’re a good man, Luka Kovac.”

“I try,” he says, giving a shrug.

If she keeps looking at me like that, I’m going to start blushing.

“Okay, I’ll see if Susan can spare me for a few moments and I’ll go with you.” Abby tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. “For Elizabeth.”

“What’s for Elizabeth?”

Luka looks over to where Susan is rifling through the charts next to the board. “Going to the memorial.”

“Oh? You’re going?” She hurries over, a gleam in her eye that scares Luka. “Kerry wanted me to say a few words but I don’t really feel like I can - “

“No.” He might be going to the damn thing, but he’s not going to speak for the entire ER staff. “You should do it or Kerry should do it.”

“Kerry is sending flowers and calling it a day,” Susan says with a huff.

“Well, then I guess that leaves you.” Luka looks around the ER, trying to find the right words. “We didn’t like the man, that’s no secret, but we worked with him and we still work with Dr. Corday.”

“I know and I sympathize with her but who wants to actually try to scrounge up nice things to say about the man?” Susan raises her eyebrows and looks to Abby for support.

Abby stands next to Luka, putting a hand on his arm. “Which is why it’s for Elizabeth, not el douche. Come on, Susan, what would Mark Greene do?”

Susan groans and looks between the two of them. “I hate you both.” She walks away, calling for Pratt.

Luka looks at Abby and he wants to pick her up and hug her tight but since they aren’t up to that degree of comfortable touching, simply pats her hand and mouths “thank you.”

Her smile is warm and as her hand slides down his arm, Luka doesn’t think he imagines the slight pink color washing over her cheeks.

The service is simple and Luka likes to think that it would have aggravated the man to know he isn’t being sent off with appropriate fanfare. Elizabeth talks of her first meeting with Robert Romano and Luka gives Susan a large smile and a thumbs up when she takes the stand. It’s a bit stilted and formally diplomatic, but it’s enough to bring a tear-filled smile to Elizabeth’s face.

Elizabeth thanks them each personally, giving hugs and tight-lipped smiles, and Luka experiences a profound kinship to the mourning woman. She’s suffered terrible loses recently and still manages to carry on.

“Take care,” Luka says with a soft smile. “And my offer to help still stands.”

“Thank you,” she says as she ushers them towards the door. “I’ll try to remember.”

Abby breathes a sigh of relief as they exit the chapel and Luka gives her a quick side hug. “Thank you.”

Shaking her head, Susan pushes against his arm. “Come on, we have work to do.”

“I liked your speech,” Abby says with a twinkle of something like humor in her eyes. “It centered around Romano and not once did you call him a jackass.”

“I felt it was implied enough without calling attention to it.” Susan smirks as they walk down the hall.

“You’re both horrible people.” Luka presses the button for the elevator. “I’m never sitting next to either of you in a church again.”

“I think I can live with that,” Susan says, barely controlling her laughter.

Abby nods. “Yeah, I’m good.”

Giving them both a glare to keep from smiling, Luka waves them onto the elevator. “Think it’s a disaster down there?”

“It’s the ER, it’s always a controlled disaster.” Susan leans against the wall. “Thanks for making me come to that, by the way. It feels final now, like he isn’t going to pop up from behind a curtain and yell at us to get back to work.”

“I can do that, anytime you miss him.” Luka grins as both of the women look at him in horror. “Of course, you’d have to miss him first.”

“Fat chance of that,” Abby says as the elevator dings and the doors slide open. “And we’re back.”

Luka gives her a pat on the shoulder and walks away, lighter and happier than he would have thought possible after leaving a memorial service. He’s reminded of why he likes working here. With all the longs hours, tough patients, and sleep deprived staff, it’s still a place where people choose to stand together.

“Luka, can I talk to you?” Sam is standing next to the lounge, her arms crossed over a chart.

“Yeah, but you’ll need to do it while I check the board.” He might be feeling better about today, but he’s not going to let Sam’s insecurities about her parenting skills get in the way of doing his job.

“Look, I appreciate you trying to be his friend.” Sam follows him to the board, her voice low at first but rising in volume as they reach the busy desk. “I just don't want things to get weird.”

“It won’t,” Luka says, his eyes on the clear board, half listening to what she’s saying.

She doesn’t seem to hear him as she keeps talking. “You're a good guy, I'm sure, but you don't know crap about raising kids, so thanks for the help, but no thanks. I got it covered.”

The noise around the admit desk drops, as if someone hit mute on a television screen. Luka turns to look at her, his heart a painful drum inside his chest. He takes a deep breath and then lets it out slowly, not looking at anyone but Sam.

“Okay,” he says at last, grabbing a chart from the rack and turning to leave.

Abby is in his way, staring behind him towards Sam with a look of rage.

“Abby, drop it.” Luka doesn’t want this, hates the unwanted attention as much as he hates how wrapped up he got in just trying to be some kid’s friend.

Abby doesn’t drop it. “Sam, you can not want Luka around your kid and that’s your prerogative. Maybe stop using the admit desk as a babysitting service if that’s what you want.” She points towards the exit. “But assuming things about people when you haven’t worked here long enough to have a damn clue is a good way to get your ass kicked out that door.”

A look of complete shock passes over Sam’s face and she looks around the admit desk to find a series of sad faces staring back at her.

Luka puts a hand on Abby’s arm. “Please. It’s not worth it.”

She looks back at him and maybe it’s the ‘please’ or the look in his eyes, but she nods and with a final glare at Sam, walks away.

He gives Sam a wary look as she approaches. “What was that about?”

“My kids.” Luka doesn’t want to waste another moment standing here rehashing his losses, not when he has patients to treat, and walks away before she can ask the obvious question.

He catches Frank’s voice as he leaves but keeps his head down and ignores them all.

_Fuck._

A part of him is angry at Sam and Abby and Frank and each person at the admit desk who stood there in silence, but mostly he’s tired and ready to go home, drink a beer, and collapse on his couch. He doesn’t want to deal with emotions right now.

“I’m sorry.” Abby says from around the corner.

_Fuck. Again._

He ducks into a storage closet and drags her with him, closing the door before anyone can see where they went.

“I asked you not to do that.” Luka lets out some of the anger in a rush. “I should have been allowed to handle it on my own.”

“I know and that’s why I said I’m sorry.” Abby looks around the closet, focusing on the stack of towels instead of on him. “I saw red, alright?”

“Why?” It’s out before he has time to think. “It’s my history, not yours.”

“For God’s sake, Luka, You’re my friend.” Abby looks at him now, that righteous fury sparking in her eyes again. “I get to stand up when my friends are being attacked.”

“I wasn’t being attacked,” Luka says, his hands trembling with a mix of anger and sadness. “She didn’t know and it should have stayed that way.”

“She would have found out eventually.” Abby keeps glaring at him, as if daring him to contradict her. “At least this way, she got a lesson out of it.”

“I don’t care,” Luka says, seething beneath his skin. “It was my call to make, not yours!”

“Which, if you remember, is why I apologized!” She throws up her hands and gestures around the closet. “It’s why I let you drag me in here!”

Taking a step towards her, Luka sees a small flash of fear in her eyes and it’s enough to cut through the anger. He backs away, letting her have as much space in the small closet as he can.

“Luka,” Abby starts to say something but he shakes his head and opens the door.

“We have work to do,” he says, holding the door open and letting her step out ahead of him.

Abby puts a hand on his shoulder. “Luka, I would never think-”

“I know.” He gives a small smile and closes the door. “We can talk later.”

“Okay.” Her voice is small and unsure and he feels about three feet tall.

“Hey, Abby, we’ll be okay.” His voice is small and unsure now but it makes her smile and it has to be enough because Susan is calling his name and Pratt is waving down Abby and work beckons.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Abby and Luka talk through their fight, then "Tis the Season" to eavesdrop!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta'd by my friend [JenTerp4](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tsuuriki/pseuds/JenTerp4) who is doing a fantastic job of keeping me focus (I tend to wander)
> 
> Check me out on [tumblr](http://kateera.tumblr.com/) or [twitter](https://twitter.com/kateera_)

The end of her shift is a mix of relief and anxiety as Abby clocks out and heads out into the early morning hours. All she wants to do is go home and sleep for twelve hours but instead, she hops on The L and heads for Luka’s apartment.

_Might as well get this over with._

She has never in her life been scared of Luka, not even on that first disastrous date so long ago. As terrified as she had been of the situation, no part of her ever believed she was in danger from him. Being alone with Luka usually puts very different images in her head that she works hard to suppress.

_He’ll understand._

She’d had a flashback, a brief glimpse of Brian breaking into her apartment and beating her while she scrambled for the phone, and it registered on her face enough for Luka to think she was scared of him. It hurts her heart that even now, he might be trying to pull back and give her space. As much work as she has to do to keep things just friendly between them, she doesn’t want to lose the closeness they’ve developed.

_He’ll understand._

The train gets to her stop quicker than she would have liked, but Abby swings her backpack over her shoulder and walks a couple of blocks to Luka’s apartment, her mind swinging between whether this visit is a good idea or not. She doesn’t turn around though, keeps walking till she’s standing in front of his door. Her first knock is tentative and she shakes her head as a minute passes and he doesn’t answer.

Knocking again, this time more forcefully, Abby leans against the door. “Luka, are you there?”

She hears movement and then her mind briefly blanks as he opens the door in a pair of gray flannel pajama pants and nothing else. From his tangled mess of black hair, broad expanse of naked chest and stomach, to his bare feet peeking out from under the hem of his pants, he looks like a sex god just risen from a long slumber.

“Abby? What are you doing here?” His voice is a low gravely rasp and Abby shivers in spite of herself.

“You said we were going to talk.” She gestures inside. “Can I come in?”

He opens the door further and rubs at the back of his neck as she ducks under his arm and into the apartment. It feels nice, the comforting darkness of Luka’s apartment is familiar and lets her relax as he closes the door.

“This couldn’t wait?” He makes his way to the kitchen and pulls out a small pot from under the counter.

“I didn’t want it to wait,” Abby says, taking her place at the breakfast counter and watching him go through the motions of making his morning coffee.

It’s a comforting sight, watching him pour powder-like coffee grounds and water into the pot and set it to boil. She likes to think he’s counting it out like dance steps while waiting for her to start talking.

“I had a flashback,” she says, deciding that there’s no point in being vague. “That’s all it was.”

She sees his shoulders tense and follows the line of muscle down his back. He carries his stress in his neck and shoulders and her mind supplies the wonderful memory of helping him relieve that stress.

“I know you would never hurt me, Luka. You have to believe me.” Abby looks down at the counter.

“I hurt him,” Luka says softly, still not looking at her. “After, when you were still in the hospital. I found him at a bar and I threatened him and I beat him until he begged me to stop.”

Abby gives a small smile. “Yeah, I heard from my lawyer that someone beat him enough to need stitches.”

Luka turns around at that. “Your lawyer?”

“We were going to press charges but after he came down with a case of black eyes, the lawyer said we couldn’t really do anything.” Abby drags a hand through her hair. “Which is fine because I was so not ready to be dragged through that mess.”

“Fuck, Abby.” Luka comes over and grabs her hands. “I’m sorry. I just, I was so angry and I put you at risk, again.”

Abby pats his hand and shakes her head. “It’s alright. I’m fine.”

“You’re having flashbacks,” Luka says with a sigh. “That’s not a sign of being fine.”

“I mean, who’s really actually fine.” Abby stands up and walks to the couch, pulling her coat off and draping it over the back. “I didn’t come here for more apologies. I just wanted to explain that what happened early had nothing to do with you.”

He turns back to the stove and his voice is quiet but in the still apartment, she hears every word. “I’d rather tear out my own heart then hurt you.”

The words sink into her brain and the feeling of electricity sings in her veins. Abby doesn’t know if she was meant to hear so she goes over to his CD collection and pretends to browse the pathetic collection.

_You made a pact, no relationships but med school. Pull yourself together._

“Abba’s Greatest Hits, seriously?” She holds up the CD. “Please tell me this was a gift and you felt bad about returning it.”

“Who doesn’t like Abba?” Luka turns off the stove and pulls down two coffee mugs.

“None for me,” Abby says, holding out her hand. “I need to be able to pass out when I get home.”

Luka grins and puts away the other cup. “Feel free to pass out here if you need to.”

She’s smiles and shakes her head, putting the CD back and taking a deep breath. “I did want to say I’m sorry for blowing up.”

Luka takes a sip of his coffee and tilts his head. “I know why you did it.”

“Because I don’t know when to keep my mouth shut, yeah, anyone could have guessed that.” Abby abandons the CD rack and flops down onto the couch.

She hates that she let her temper get the better of her and maybe she did need to talk to someone about her short fuse. Whatever is going on with Luka and Sam and Alex, it doesn’t have anything to do with her and she should keep her distance.

“I’ll back off,” Abby says with a sigh. “I won’t get in the middle again.”

Coming out of the kitchen, Luka lowers himself onto the other side of the couch and stretches his long legs out over Abby’s lap. She frowns but doesn’t move them, too focused on not being focused on the utter beauty of him in the morning.

“There isn’t anything to be in the middle of,” Luka says with a soft sigh. “I thought her kid needed a friend and she obviously thinks different.” He rotates the coffee cup in his hand, staring down at the dark liquid. “And you’re right. She would have found out eventually.”

“Yeah, but it should have been your call.” Abby pats his leg. “So I’m sorry. Today was a mess.”

“I think at this point, it was yesterday.” Luka grins at her over the top of his mug.

It would be easy to collapse on top of him and close her eyes in comfortable exhaustion but the nagging voice in the back of her head is telling her not to go backwards. Luka makes a good friend for her and she doesn’t want to ruin that.

“Well, in that case, it’s in the past and I’m not sorry at all.” She moves to push his legs off her lap but he doesn’t budge. “Luka, come on. I’m tired and I want to go home.”

His smile disappears and he swings his legs around so she can stand up. “Go. Sleep. You’ll feel better.”

She yawns and nods, pushing her hair back from her face. “Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.”

“My door is always open for you,” he replies with a warm smile.

Normally a hug would be appropriate for a goodbye but hugging Luka without a shirt on is flirting with disaster so Abby gives a small wave and heads for the door. She walks slowly as she fights over whether to turn around.

_Hug him. It’s been rough for both of you and you haven’t touched since the flinch._   
_You’re too emotional right now, leave._   
_You’re being silly._

She stops, starts, and then stops again, aware that she looks like a crazy person trying to walk.

“Abby, you alright?”

That soft concern, (always soft because he doesn’t know how to tell her to just suck it up) makes up her mind and she pivots back towards him.

“Yeah, just feels weird leaving without my hug.” Abby hopes her smirk is enough to hide the familiar bubbly feeling in her stomach as he smiles.

Standing and opening his arms, Luka gathers her up in a strong fierce hug. Her cheek is pressed against his chest and her arms around wrapped around his back and she’s about to tell her pact to fuck off because this is Luka for God’s sake when he pulls back and grins at her.

“There, friendship still intact. Now go get sleep.” He turns her towards the door and gives her a small push. “I’ll talk to you later.”

Abby exits before he can see the dazed look on her face. _Oh, fuck me._

  
****

  
When her alarm goes off with sounds of Jingle Bells blasting from the radio, Abby throws it across the room. She groans and looks out the window to see a cloud covered sky and snow falling like pellets.

_God fucking damn it._

On one hand, she knows it's only two more days of the cheerful songs and festive spirits that make her want to crawl inside a liquor bottle, but it's almost time for work and she isn't feeling very gracious about spending it with candy sick children and vomiting drunks.

_At least Luka will be there._

Since their fight at Thanksgiving, her and Luka have been making time to talk more openly, not hold things back about past sins and conflict. The barrier between them is slowly eroding. While she admits that it's kind of pathetic to have her first real best friend at 35, she can't fault anyone but herself for that lack of support in her life. She's used to handling things on her own. The strangeness of leaning on someone else is offset by the fact that it’s Luka and he’s basically as solid as they come.

Getting to work is hell. Her bus hits a ups truck, forcing her to walk the rest of the way in slush filled streets, and just as she reaches the hospital, she soaks her feet in a hidden puddle of freezing water.

“Shit!”

She's cold, miserable, and annoyed as she enters the emergency room.

“You're late.” Kerry gives her the normal glare of doom as she hands off a set of charts.

“I would have been here on time if my bus hadn't hit a delivery truck,” Abby explains as she takes the charts.

Kerry ignores her excuse, another patented Weaver maneuver, and slips on gloves as she rattles off the cases and heads for the door. “Present to Kovač when you’re done!”

“My shoes are soaking wet!” Abby calls after her but Kerry doesn’t turn around.

Luka comes behind her, hands her a large cup of coffee, and takes the charts from her hands. “Go, change your shoes. These people can wait.”

“Is it too late to put coal in her stocking?” Abby asks, cupping her hands around the tall cup.

“This time of year stresses everyone out,” Luka says, moving slightly to let Frank slide past them.

“Did you get your trinket from Carter?” Frank asks as he pushes between them.

Abby’s startled enough by the name that she stares at him in confusion. “What?”

“His Third World care package.” Frank shakes his head. “Gone-native junk for everybody.” He holds up a tribal mask. “Kovač got some kind of voodoo mask.”

“You know, just because it’s different, doesn’t mean it’s evil,” Abby says with a sniff but Frank ignores her now that he’s got an audience.

“I think it's Bangala.” Luka takes it from Frank and holds it in front of his face. “What do you think?”

“I think they use it to slaughter farm animals in some kind of satanic ritual,” Frank says with a shudder.

Abby resists the urge to smack him with the nearest stapler. “Does that mean you qualify?” She asks instead, taking a sip from her coffee cup.

“Very funny.” Frank frowns and holds out a package. “Should I just throw this in the trash?”

Abby grabs it from him and turns it over in her hands, fighting the urge to take Frank’s suggestion and throw it out.

“It won't bite.” Luka says as he puts a hand on her shoulder and squeezes.

The simple action reminds her that while Carter abandoned her for his journey of self discovery, Luka came back into her life when she needed him most. She sends him a smile over her shoulder and sets down her coffee to tear into the tissue paper.

“You ever send that box of stuff to Africa, Frank?” Luka pulls on Frank’s coat to grab his attention.

He scoffs. “Toys for Third World tots? Went out last week.” He doesn’t take his eyes off of Abby as she unwraps her gift. “What'd you get?”

She turns it over in her hands. “A box.”

It’s a pretty box but not something she thinks screams “Abby” when she looks at it.

“A tribal shaman's box.” Luka offers, taking the box from her and opening it up to show all the compartments. “Medicine men use it to store their potions.”

“Ah, a place to hide my drugs then,” Abby says with a laugh, taking it back and looking down at her soaked shoes. “I’m going to go change.”

“Hurry back.” Luka pushes Frank away as the man tries to get a closer look at the box. “It’s going to be a busy night.”

Abby waves and walks to the locker room while music starts playing at the admit desk. Putting the box in her locker, she sighs and slips out of her wet shoes. She thinks about last Christmas, the party, Luka’s drunken attempt to reach out, the accident. Christmas is tense for all of them but she forgets that Luka often suffers in silence because he doesn’t want to bring everyone else down.

“Hey, you decent?” Sam is standing at the door with a handful of charts and a pair of scrub pants.

Abby holds up her emergency shoes. “Only on the outside. Need something?”

“Yeah, we’ve got three drunk Santas who need banana bags and the parents of that Christmas ornament swallower are getting anxious.” She holds out the pants. “Also, Luka said you might need these.”

Abby looks down at her thoroughly soaked scrubs and laughs. “Probably.” Looking back up at her fellow nurse, she takes the offered pants with a nod of thanks. “I’ll be quick.”

Sam nods back and turns around but reverses direction. “Luka, is he seeing anyone?”

Abby’s heart drops to her stomach. “No, not that I know of. Why?”

“I was going to see what his Christmas plans were,” Sam says, fiddling with her charts. “I might not be the brightest bulb in the box when it comes to men, but eventually I figure out who the good ones are.”

“Well, I don’t know his Christmas plans,” Abby says, keeping her voice light and carefree and not at all like she wants to curl up in a ball and cry.

“Okay, thanks.” Sam gives a small wave and leaves the room.

Throwing her hands up, Abby spins in a circle and looks to the ceiling. “Really? Now?”

“Who are you talking to?”

Abby jumps and looks at the doorway to see Neela with her arms crossed and a faint smile on her lips.

“No one, myself, the universe.” Abby opens the door of her locker and slides out of her wet scrub pants, slipping the dry ones on as fast as she can.

“Uh huh. I don’t have to worry you’ll crack under the pressure and try to stab someone tonight, right?” Neela smirks as Abby glares at her.

“I’m fine, just tired of being cold, wet, and tired.” Brushing her hair up into a ponytail, Abby closes her locker. “Time to make face with the music.”

“What?” Neela furrows her brow and purses her lips. “That doesn’t really make sense.”

Shaking her head, Abby slips on her shoes and walks towards the door. “Nothing, I’m being ridiculous.”

“Well, it is Christmas, a notoriously bad time to be on your own and single.” Neela follows her out into the hallway. “I’ve called my parents three times in the past week and I think they’re starting to worry there’s something wrong with me.”

“Yeah, I think if I called my mother at all during the holidays, she’d show up here within a few hours to make sure I wasn’t dying.” Heading straight for the rack of charts, Abby pulls out three and looks them over, determined to ignore the sickly feeling in her stomach.

“At least it would take a couple of days for mine to show up,” Neela says with a sigh. “See you around?”

“I’ll be here,” Abby says, waving off her friend as she heads towards the first patient of the night.

Besides the seemingly endless parade of drunk Santas, elves, and the occasional reindeer, Abby’s shift passes without much fuss. Dropping an empty coffee cup into the garbage, Abby pushes open the door to the lockers and freezes as she hears Sam’s voice around the corner.

“I know I haven’t been exactly supportive of the whole thing and well, I’d like to make it up to you.”

“No it’s fine. Really.” Luka’s voice is soft and kind and it takes all her willpower to not throw open the door and interrupt the moment.

_He’s your friend and you will be happy for him._

“Why don’t you come over for Christmas dinner?” Sam asks. “I can’t promise the best food but it could be fun.”

“I uh, I already have plans, sorry.” Not being able to see his face, Abby can’t tell if he’s actually sorry or just being nice.

There’s a brief pause and Abby is just about to continue into the room when Sam’s voice stops her in her tracks.

“Sorry, sorry. I thought you might-”

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m flattered.”

“Are you seeing someone else?”

“No, not at the moment.”

“So, we could have fun. It doesn’t have to be a thing.” Sam sounds a little put out at this point and Abby doesn’t bother to control her eye roll. It might be wrong to be eavesdropping like this but she’s invested now.

Luka’s answer is kind but firm. “Sam, you’re a nice person and I’m sorry, but I’m looking for, I’m waiting for something real.”

At that, Abby ducks out of the doorway and back into the hall, trying to keep her heart in her chest as she processes what she’s heard.

_He’s saying no. Luka is telling Sam no. Why? She’s pretty, she’s witty, she’s got a kid…_

Footsteps break through her panicked thoughts and she turns and walks down the hall before the door opens.

“Abby, wait up.”

She stops and waits for Luka to catch up, willing her pulse to calm so that he doesn’t immediately ask whats wrong. She’s not sure she could lie.

“Are you doing anything for Christmas?” He asks as he steps alongside her. “Gallant reserved a table at that Chinese restaurant a few blocks down.”

Looking up, Abby finds Luka watching her with a patient smile. “Chinese food at Christmas sounds great, so long as no one shoots their eye out.”

“What?” The smile turns to a look of confusion and it settles Abby’s nerves somewhat.

“It’s in a movie,” Abby explains,tilting her head and narrowing her eyes at him. “Which I will force you to watch if you haven’t seen.”

“Sounds like a plan.” He gives her shoulder a squeeze and branches off towards another part of the hospital.

She waits for him to round the corner before turning around and heading back to her locker.

_He’s my best friend. I’m not ruining this._


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carter comes back and Luka keeps himself firmly in Abby's corner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta'd by my friend [JenTerp4](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tsuuriki/pseuds/JenTerp4) who doesn't deserve my flighty ass.
> 
> Check me out on [tumblr](http://kateera.tumblr.com/) or [twitter<](https://twitter.com/kateera_)

“What is the differential diagnosis for LBP and Triple A?” Luka asks, finishing the question and looking up from his test sheet.

He watches as Abby fidgets and scowls and prepares her answer. He loves watching her think, from the crease between her eyes to the way she’ll bite her lips or tongue as she searches for the answer.

“They present with LBP, vague mech and radiating pain to the legs. Trip A presents with pain on palpation of midline upper and lower quadrants, possible mass, and no relief of pain with positional changes. LBP won’t. US and CT confirmation.” She lets out a breath as she finishes her answer and sits back in her chair.

“Good, last one.” He glances down at his paper. “Give me the diagnostic approach to an adolescent male athlete with knee pain and specific mechanism.”

Pursing her lips, Abby looks up and squints at the ceiling. “Um, WBS, HOPRS, ST, and imaging. X-Ray in the ER with an MRI referral to an orthopedic specialist.”

“And we’re done,” Luka says with a smile, putting the test sheet down and leaning onto the table. “Good job.”

“Yeah? Good enough to pass?” Abby picks up her cup from the table and sips at her coffee, her grimace enough to judge that it’s gone cold.

Luka looks over the questions. “Yeah, you do fine when you’re relaxed.”

Scoffing, Abby gets up and walks to the microwave, placing her cup in and hitting the start button. “I don’t think I’ve ever gone into a test relaxed.”

Chuckling a bit in response, Luka stands and stretches, rolling his neck around to release some of the tension in his shoulders. “I’m sure you’ll do fine. We know you can do this.”

She turns around and smiles at him. “Thanks. I mean it. These study sessions have really helped.”

“Happy to be of service,” he says, returning her smile. “You ready for tomorrow?”

At the reminder, her face drops and she turns back to the microwave and takes out her reheated coffee. “As ready as I can be.”

“Just let me know if you need space.” If he could spare her this pain, he would.

“Are we going to have some sort of secret signal?” She asks, smirking as she takes a drink from her cup.

“What, like a safe word?” Luka asks.

She chokes on her coffee and coughs. “Please tell me you meant code word.”

“What’s the difference?”

“A code word wouldn’t be something you use in the bedroom.” Abby wipes her mouth and shakes her head at him, a comfortable and familiar gesture. “We’d be in a very different kind of relationship if we needed a safe word.”

“Ah okay then,” Luka grins and shrugs. “If you want a code word, I’m fine with that.”

Abby hums and taps her finger against her cup. “How do you say ‘fucking help’ in Croatian?”

He doesn’t stop the laughter that bubbles out of him. He has to grab onto the chair in front of him to stop himself from falling down.

“Jebena pomoć,” Luka manages to say once he’s stopped laughing. “Are you serious?”

Abby giggles and slides back into her seat. “I mean, it would work though.”

“I suppose.” Luka wipes tears from his eyes and leans over the table. “You’ll be fine though.”

She sighs and that aura of melancholy settles over her again. It would be so easy to wrap her in his arms and try to kiss those thoughts away, but she’s still Abby and there’s the fear that she would lash out at his attempts to comfort. There’s still so much about their friendship that’s fragile.

_I can’t mess this up. Losing her would break me._

Instead of reaching out to her, Luka rubs a hand through his hair and yawns. “If you don’t need anything else?”

She fiddles with her cup and he waits patiently. Pushing her to talk would end with a hastily muttered “nevermind” and Luka knows better than that.

“Could you remind me, every once in a while, that I’m in a good place now?” Abby asks in a heartbreakingly small voice like she’s almost afraid he’ll hear her.

That tiny voice is enough to break through his emotional paralysis and Luka takes the few steps to her side, drawing her up into a tight hug. She clings to him, her fingers digging into his back as she accepts his support

“You’re in a good place and doing what you need to do and nothing that anyone else does or says is going to take that away from you.” Luka feels her hands tighten on his shirt slightly before she pulls away.

She looks up and even with worry and exhaustion weighing on her, Abby is still absolutely beautiful to him.

_Kiss her._

The temptation is almost unbearable. She’s opening up to him more, being honest and genuine and he’s already more in love with her than he previously thought possible. She’s also still hurting and so stressed from her medical exams that he doesn’t want to add to it.

Stepping back and pulling his t-shirt back into place, Luka offers her the brightest smile he can manage. “Remember, ‘jebena pomoć’ and I’ll find a way to get you out.”

“It’s a deal,” Abby says, smiling brightly as she finishes off her coffee.

Her smile is payment enough for the extra attention.

****

“Why haven’t you left yet?” Luka asks as Abby passes by the admit desk. “Sleeping would be a good idea.”

“Not until she balances her narc count,” Weaver calls out from across the desk as she fills out paperwork.

Luka squeezes Abby’s hand as she walks by him, hoping she’s going to make it through the day.

_She’ll be fine. Worry about something else._

Looking over and seeing Pratt walk in, late for another shift, he sighs and rubs his neck.

“Sorry, there was a power outage,” Pratt says in an unconvincing voice.

Luka presses his lips together to stop himself from saying the first thing that crosses his mind.

“Valerie again?” he asks instead, wondering if he seemed this stupid while he was going through his wild seed stage.

“What can I say? I’m irresistible.” Pratt’s smug smile as he wanders into the lounge gives Luka horrifying flashbacks.

While he waits for Pratt to return, Luka picks up the next chart and works on reviewing the resident’s notes. There’s nothing he can do to protect Pratt from the mistakes he insists on making but Luka hopes he can see the day that he grows out of this phase.

Luka thinks back to his years at medical school and how he’d started out as full of life and smug confidence, just with a wife and young children to support. It’s been so long now that he’s surprised he remembers those hectic first years.

Working at County and then in The Congo and now back here, his viewpoint on what he can accomplish has changed. He still wants to save people, but it’s not about changing the world anymore. He wants to help the people who come through that door and he wants to help the people he works with. Carter saving him has to count for something.

Those familiar feelings of melancholy threaten to overwhelm him and Luka takes a breath and walks over to Mrs. Webster, an older patient whose mental faculties are fading.

“How are you doing today ma’am?”

She’s humming to herself and staring off into the distance but brightens when Pratt shows up.

“I love you.” She takes Pratt’s hand and gives it a pat.

He’s trying hard to hide his smile when someone clears their throat behind him. Turning around, Luka sees a family standing with a gift basket and adoration in their eyes.

“Dr. Kovac. We just wanted to thank you for saving our little boy’s life. We’ll never forget what you did for us.” They hold out the basket and the wife gives him a quick hug.

“Um, you’re welcome. I am just happy we could help.” He doesn’t remember the case but that’s not unusual; seeing so many patients a day, it’s hard to keep track of the ones with happy endings. He remembers the sad endings much clearer.

The father clutches his hand and Luka gives Pratt a look of resignation. “Finish up with her. I’ll be back.” Leading the family to the waiting room.

He leaves them with another round of hugs and puts the gift basket in the lounge. There’s another trauma coming in and

Seeing Carter walk through the halls of County is like seeing two worlds overlap. He’s scruffy and lean from his time in Africa but still walks with that confidence of a man who knows he can get whatever he wants from life.

“Welcome back,” Luka says, shaking his hand and then laughing as Carter draws him into a hug.

“Yeah, got back a week ago and just holed up in the house for a bit.” Carter pulls back and looks Luka up and down. “You’re looking much better than the last time I saw you.”

“Not having malaria helps with that.” Luka finds it strange that he actually missed Carter. He hadn’t realized until he saw the man again.

“Are you working or leaving?” Carter asks, handing off the chart in his hand to a nearby nurse.

“I’ll be on for your shift, don’t worry.” Luka pushes him away. “I’ll make sure you can’t get into trouble.”

“I still know my way around,” Carter says, giving Luka the same friendly shove. “Getting into trouble was more your thing anyway.”

“Haha.” Luka’s happy to see Carter but is still in no mood to discuss that particular time in his life. “How’s Kem enjoying Chicago?”

“The wonders of unmelted ice cream have her dazzled,” Carter says, glowing at the mention of his girlfriend.

They walk into the green trauma room and Luka focuses on the patient while Carter talks to Morris.

Time flies as Luka bounces from patient to patient, leaving Carter to work up the crash patient with Morris, and he’s having a hard time keeping track of where Abby is in the hospital. It’s not that he thinks something bad will happen, but he wants to be there for Abby just in case there’s a surprise.

_She’s strong._   
_She shouldn’t have to deal with this._   
_She will be fine._

Seeing Abby standing at the admitting desk and talking to both Carter and Kem almost stops his heart. He rushes over to introduce himself to Kem and hopefully break up any tension.

“Hi, you must be Kem,” Luka holds out his hand. “I’m Luka.”

She grasps his hand and then pulls him down to place kisses on his cheeks. “So you’re who I have to thank. Without you, John and I would have never met.”

Abby hands him something and he looks down to see an ultrasound image.

_Fuck._

“Congratulations,” Luka says in a daze. “Boy or girl?”

“Boy,” Kem says, her smile bright enough to light the entire waiting room. “I’m so pleased.”

Glancing down at Abby, Luka hands the picture back to Kem. “I’m sure you’ll be a great mom.”

“I’m going to walk Kem out and I’ll be right back,” Carter says, wrapping his arm around Kem’s shoulders.

“It was nice to meet you both!” Kem waves as Carter ushers her out and Luka waves back.

The silence between him and Abby is heart-wrenching and he doesn’t know what to say, if there’s anything to say that would make this suck less for her.

“They got together after I left,” Luka says, at last putting to words what he thinks might be Abby’s fear, that Carter was with Kem the first time he was in The Congo. “You okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

Abby crosses her arms and looks up at him. “Did he knock her up the minute he got there?”

“I don’t know anything more than you do,” Luka says. “I would have told you.”

“I know.” She deflates a little at his words. “Man, that sucked.”

Squeezing her shoulder in solidarity, Luka keeps an eye on the door. “Going home?”

“No, the on-call room.” She reaches over and pats the hand on her shoulder. “Thanks.”

“Just say the words.” He likes that they have inside jokes again, that he can say something that will make her smile and leave others in the dark.

“I’ll remember.” She weaves her way through the admit desk and into the on-call room and Luka waits for the door to close before he stalks outside after Carter.

He waits for Kem’s taxi to drive off before he steps up beside Carter with his arms crossed.

“That was shit,” Luka says, making Carter jump at his sudden appearance.

“What?”

“Back there, that was a shitty thing to do.” Luka hates the tight feeling in his chest but he has to make Carter understand.

“Hey, I didn’t do anything wrong.” Carter holds up his hands. “I’m not going to apologize for moving on with my life.”

Luka faces him and frowns. “I’m not asking you to apologize for moving on. I’m happy for you and Kem. But Abby didn’t deserve to find out like that and you know it. I thought you at least knew how to treat others with respect.”

Carter flushes at this. “Abby made her choice. I came back and she pushed me away so what was I supposed to do?”

“Come back and explain things before you parade your new life in front of her like you’re rubbing her nose in how happy you are.” Luka pinches the bridge of his nose. “The letter was shitty and this was shitty and I’m not going to sugar glaze things just because you came back a hero.”

“I’m not asking you to,” Carter says, throwing his hands in the air. “In fact, it would be nice if my friends were genuinely happy for me.”

“I am happy,” Luka says with a huff. “But I’m her friend too and I won’t pretend that what just happened didn’t hurt her.” He’s angry and he wants Carter to realize the damage he’s caused. “As much as you might wish differently, that’s on you.”

“So what, I just find a new hospital to bring Kem to so Abby doesn’t get hurt?” Carter kicks at a loose rock on the pavement.

“The damage is already done,” Luka says, softening his voice. “She’ll get through it like she gets through everything; but if you hurt her again…”

“Yeah, I got it.” Carter wrinkles his brow. “You know we were both messed up right? She’s not Saint Abby.”

“I know.”

“Her alcoholism, her family, there was too much baggage there for me to handle.” Carter runs his hands through his hair. “I tried but she didn’t want help.”

“She usually doesn’t.” Luka relaxes a bit as it seems Carter isn’t going to blow up at him. “I was there the first time with her mother if you remember.”

“I remember,” Carter says with a laugh. “I was such a shit then too.”

“Not going to deny it.” Luka looks over at his friend. “I want us to all be able to work together so please, no more surprises?”

“Nah, that’s all I got.” Carter gives him a sideways look. “You got any surprises you want to talk about?”

Luka grins and shakes his head. “Nope.”

“You’re hopeless, you know that?”

“Not hopeless.” Luka sobers and looks out across the lot. “I was hopeless for a long time, but now, it’s different. I’m remembering what it feels like, to want something more than just survival.”

Carter claps him on the back. “I’ll hope for you, both of you.”

Smiling at the ground, Luka nods. “Thanks, and I mean what I said earlier. There’s been enough pain between us.”

“Yeah, I get it.”

Luka walks him back into the hospital. He feels lighter after the conversation, like what he needed to say was received and now he can focus on keeping his friendships intact. A talk with Abby is probably somewhere down the line but it’s still comforting to know that Carter will listen.

“Does this mean that third-floor storage closet is available now that you’re not using it?” Carter asks.

Luka chases him around the admit desk while Frank yells at both of them to go away.

“Fine, fine, I wasn’t sleeping anyway!” Abby walks out of the on-call room and glares at both of them.

“Sorry, Abby,” Luka says, getting one last swat against Carter’s head before he grabs a chart and goes back to work.

Looking behind him, he sees Carter approach Abby with a look of contrition and grins. Talking is apparently the wonder behind all relationships, who knew? His grin fades.

Abby, the alcoholic. Right.

He works on all sorts of drunks in the hospital and he reserves a modicum of pity for their condition and it’s hard for him to see Abby in that same position. It is a part of her though, he’s aware enough to know that. Walking into his next patient’s room, he makes a note on his hand to research the topic further.


End file.
